lessons of a lifetime ~

When I was growing up my mother worked nights... In fact I can't remember when she didn't work nights. She did it for more than 20 years ~ and I never thought about it much. It was just what mom did.  It was the way she helped dad to provide for the family.  I don't remember hearing her complain at all, but one time I remember when I was in high school she fell asleep driving home and hit a traffic light, in the left turn lane! Fortunately no one else was involved, but I remember that event scared me a LOT.!

A few years ago [ok, more than 13 years ago] I tried working nights for about a month ~ I was so exhausted I couldn't see straight, and I was CRABBY in the extreme, so I gave up on that approach and found a different job ~ after a very long search!  LOL  I found out that working nights was not for ME... but I still didn't appreciate my mom's sacrifice for her family.  I now understand why after momma retired daddy never wanted to be far from her side.  He missed her probably a LOT more than he ever let on all those years, so for the next 25+ years after her retirement, they were rarely separated, even in death.  They did so much together and had a BLAST doing it!

SEVEN years ago hubby started working nights, in a new field for him at the time. He had been back in school for almost 3 years, and we were just so GLAD for him to be working and NOT in school ~ neither of us cared that his new position was on nights... it was "temporary", [or so we thought at the time,] a year, maybe two...  What we didn't realize is that sometimes God [or fate if you prefer] has a different plan for your family, and you don't get your "first choice" in life. At least not after some level of sacrifice. So what started out as a short term foot in the door, turned into what at times felt like a long term "trap" from first one facility to a second one.  Don't get me wrong, he LOVES his job ~ we know that we made the right choice for hubby to work nights all this time ~ but seriously ~ night shift will kill you after you turn 50 and hubby was 50 when he "started" working nights ~ and the last year has felt like 5! [grimace]

Happily I've announce just about everywhere that in just over 2 weeks hubby will start working days for the first time in 7 years [+2 weeks and 3 days]. An eternity! ;-)  But what's a bit more interesting in this story is not how happy this truth makes me, [for I am SURLY as happy as I have every been about this new schedule to our lives], I have been thinking about momma a LOT and what it must have been like for her and daddy while she worked all those years in hospitals as an Aide, nights. I know she SAID she preferred nights... [but then, so did hubby ~ in his case it was something of a brain scam, so that he didn't get crabby ~ I think].  But was it really her preference or was she just doing what thousands of other parents have done during their lives ~ the best they can, and whatever they need to ~ to make a better existance for their family?

I know my respect for my mother has been high nearly all my adult life, but these last few years of going through night shifts with hubby ~ my feelings of admiration for my mother have grown beyond previous bounds.  I think she was stronger than the $6M woman to work nights all those years!

Momma, I know you are watching at times, and at special moments I feel you close ~ so please know that I am grateful you gave me such an amazing example of selflessness to grow up with.  I don't come close to matching you, in any stretch of the imagination ~ but you help me find the strength to do things and be someone I am sure I would never have approached without you ~ to somehow dig a bit deeper and find something I didn't guess was there.

I miss you terribly, but ~ when I do good sometimes, I hear you inside my head cheering me on!  What a WOMAN you are momma!  How you ever survived 20+ years of night shifts all the way to 62+ years, is anyone's guess!  ;-)  It sure make you MY hero, and beyond glad we didn't have to follow in your footsteps for another 13+ years.

I only hope I can take another page from your example and enjoy the next chapter in hubby's and my eternity ~ and our time together!

...on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day...

...well, OUR Christmas day, when we celebrated as a family anyway...

I did manage to get a few pictures, but since I ended up opening my camera last... the gift opening part was all over... still I will share some of the fun we had. One of the nice things I find about being behind the camera is that there are few, if any, pictures of me... LOL

Here's our Princess, so happy... CHEESE!

Son2 and his girlfriend (let's give her a blog name, how about...Honey?) checking out their gifts from everyone...

Son1 and Sir Knight genuinely pleased with the gifts they got... AND watching their wives check out a special "family gift" our married children got...

Son1 and Sweetee. Smile.! "Merry Christmas mom... like that new camera, do ya'?" hahaha

Son2 and hubby discussing how Son2 can help me learn to USE my new camera... LOL

outside the big dogs were having a GREAT time... Son2 caught some good actions shots for us...

honest... they really love each other...

I got it... I said, "I" got it...

While indoors the small dogs watch their "pets" be silly... Martini thinks we get too excited over a few toys... I mean, you can't even throw those things...

This is Honey's little 7 month old 3/4 Chihuahua/1/4 Dachshund mix... "Nacho" wasn't impressed with the camera. haha I already shared some pics of my new puppy who is a 50/50 Chi/Doxie... and our Mighty Dog, Tucker stayed home to protect the castle... He really gets overwhelmed with ALL the family dogs in one area... there are SEVEN now. Yep, we're NUTS...!

Last but not least I will share a couple pictures of Son1 and Sweetee setting up their new family gift. Since they had to travel home later that day, Princess Bride and Sir Knight waited to get theirs out until they got home...

I missed the shot of the girls just making the empty beater go round and round... it was really fun to see how happy they were... We were so happy to have been able to manage the gifts we got all our children...

opening up the box... they've been wanting a KitchenAid since they got married... and we found a GREAT deal on these Heavy Duty Professional Series ones... It was a big surprise to both couples.

"Look mom, at how nice it sits on the counter. Oh, wow, look at all the stuff.!" Even though she has little counter space in her kitchen, Sweetee's comment was... "I love it, I'll find space.!!" ;-) And honestly, I absolutely LOVE surprising my kids with things they really want and that are practical too! For me that is the best of both worlds.!

This Christmas was not just full of great gifts though. It was full of sacrifice and love and sharing and giving from the heart. It was a lovely time of family unity and happy hearts. I personally had such a great time. I love you all..! Thanks to hubby and my beloved children for making the time to be "home together" this last time before Son1 & Sweetee head off across the country next year to start some "new adventures". But, more about THAT later...

...ssssweeeeeet...!!!

I posted a little bit about this on FB already, I am sorry to those of you that have already read the Reader's Digest version there... but man... I just LOVE my life sometimes...

I LOVE being the mom of adult kids that are kind and loving... It is the BEST life has to offer, when you like and enjoy your children... Honest... I know my kids are not perfect... yes, we are like everyone else... we have our struggles... but I'm so far from perfect that it's easier on my ego anyway to have "normal" kids, I guess... LOL... And then, some days are just BETTER than normal... the only word to use... HALCYON... a slice of Heaven...

Yesterday was one of those - so close to a perfect days-, that I'd be hard pressed to find a better one in my reference... even accounting for the fact that we missed my cousin and uncle by only a few minutes at the care facility, because of traffic... and seeing my sweet little Aunt of 91 years struggling so hard to recover and gain strength after a fall several weeks ago... She was so loving as we visited while she let her lunch bites "settle"... She asked about MY family and recalled days to me of when I was a girl... I would stay at their home to hang out with cousins and play on their family farm on family trips from Idaho to Arizona... Such SWEET memories... so bitter sweet to see my mother's siblings grow older... and know that we will not have them with us much longer on this earth... I am so grateful for the loving family I was born into... and for a knowledge that families are forever...

I have been blessed to have so many great days in my life... good (ssssweeeet) days happen pretty often for me, in different ways... I've had many a nearly perfect day with Son1 and Sweetee in recent memory... I've had some pretty "fab" days with Son2 over the last few years...

Still, yesterday afternoon included one of those mother-daughter-times that don't come along everyday any more... because all kids grow up and leave home, to live their own lives, which is right and proper... having said that... I'm really learning to cherish each and every wonderful day with my kids... On this day, Princess Bride surprised us and joined us at the temple in the early afternoon, an unexpected joy... a great treat to be together in a place of such peace and feel so eternally bonded... and we had so much fun after dinner... for a while, just the two of us... (while hubby took a little nap and Sir Knight was getting ready/left for work). We spent a couple hours milling over her new cake decorating book, which she got from her Secret Santa gift exchange at work... She is really getting into cake decorating, with her sister in law, which is way cool, because her maternal grandma did that... (guess that particular gene skipped a generation... ha ha) It was such a nice gift from someone that hardly knows her, but took the time to investigate what she likes...

I also have to thank hubby for being my BEST friend at ALL times... my heart and soul... and my confidant... for putting up with doing all the driving... doing what I want to do all day on one of his precious days off... and then on top of that, listening to my chatter when I am happy as a magpie... LOL... If you "know" hubby, you KNOW that last part is NOT something that comes naturally for him... he would rather have his nose in a book, be sitting in a forest alone, or wandering a canyon as a hermit... LOL... but he is so great, and he only rarely gave any indication that he "wasn't" having as good a time as I was yesterday... maybe he was...??? Nah... but he is a super good sport and he loves me so much, he's happy to just be with me too, even if he'd "rather be sailing"... LOL...

I've gone to Bora Bora in my mind...

This is kind of a running joke with some friends (that are really more like sisters to me)... When life gets crazy, stressful, or boring we take a mental trip to the islands... If nothing else it's great to have a friend to unload on, and pretend to travel with...

Life around here was crazy in July... As I mentioned before our youngest son did not leave for Boot Camp as planned because of some last minute limitations and he is still trying to decide what he is going to do (whether to pursue the Marine idea or do other things with his life...) While he is deciding this he has chosen to live with friends not in his old room... he wants to be on his own, and I understand that... I am ready for him to be away from me more too... We just don't agree with his method of independence...

When he was leaving before I posted a blog entry about my feelings on the day he was to ship... but then removed it because I wasn't sure how he would feel if he saw it... After some more thought I am putting it back up (edited a bit, so as not to focus on the Marine angle...) because the things I wrote about HIM are still true, whether he becomes a Marine or not... so you can read about that wonderful kid of mine below, and see pics of him growing up... He IS a wonderful kid... if somewhat mixed up at times...

I am still cleaning, painting, and renovating the kitchen and most days it feels like I will never be DONE... but I chew away at the tasks in 15 minute segments and I try not to overdo, by resting between the segments... Slow and steady will win my race... and I promise I will share some pictures of the finished kitchen later...

I really cannot believe that it is August... July was a good month, just really busy and a bit crazy...

my baby is grown up..

...and he has left our home... It's a major milestone in our family... We are officially empty-nesters...

I was looking through old photos the first of this month of my family for our Princess Bride who wanted to share some photos of her and her brother on her blog... and I came across these... where have all the years gone???

Daddy, helping him learn to walk in February or March of 1991...

I kept sitting him down every time he tried it on his own

so he didn't "really" walk until late June...

His 1st birthday in May of 1991

when our boy made mud pies,

he really got into his work! (August 1991)

he's always liked guns... (but his mother hates them)

this is the BB-gun his uncle gave him and his brother

the picture was taken in August 2000...

in December 2001, on the way to California

for my dad's 90th birthday party..

Freshman ~ HS Cross Country September 2004

His nickname was "the Flash"

because that summer before he started HS,

he survived a lightning strike at BSA Summer Camp

this was taken in HS... Sophomore year

and this was taken a few weeks before his High School GRADUATION,
just one short year ago...

Here is one with him by a sunflower that

was growing wild in the back yard...

He was here doing some yard work for us the last few weeks...

BTW, he is over 6 ft tall... that is a HUGE sunflower...

we had two pop up back there...

I love my baby boy... I am proud that he was willing to SERVE our country, even when our country does not always serve it's people best... To stand up and defend an amazing country whose "politicians" could surely learn a bunch of things about love of country and regard for freedom from the men and women of the armed forces that protect them too... Even if things do not work out the way he wanted, I am grateful that was willing to give of himself and his life for something he believed was good... In the years to come, he will no doubt be asked to give of himself no matter what life has in store for him... in ways he cannot even imagine today...

He is a fine young man and he will do well in whatever he puts his heart into... but he will also always be MY baby boy... and I will always care about his happiness and safety... so my prayers rise heavenward each day, that he will be cradled in God's gentle and loving hands at all times... and that he will feel our love and support at all times though the months and years ahead of him when he may be far from us... away from our presence but not out hearts...

The Noble Calling of Parents

...from Chapter 16 of Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, pg 153

The greatest trust that can come to a man and woman is the placing in their keeping the life of a little child.

Recently this topic has been on my mine a lot... I don't mean to slight anyone that does not have children... I have friends who have never been traditional parents that have nevertheless been a tremendous influence for good in my children's lives, and whom I am grateful could step into my roll if the need arose... it's just that I feel the weight of this burden more than ever as my youngest is soon to fly on wings of independence from our home... I keep asking myself... Did I get it mostly right??? Is the foundation we tried to lay solid enough??? If I wasn't there for my children to come to tomorrow, would they feel a void in their life as I do with the loss of my own mother???

I really do not worry that my children don't love me... I KNOW they do, they show me regularly that they love both hubby and I as their parent by word and deed... and that they miss us [their parents] when we are separated... this is simply a time of self refection as I move into a new area of life... I think a lot of parents must ask similar questions of themselves as their children leave the nest, and learn to fly with their very own wings, to use that prevailing imagery... and I don't suppose I will know the answers until we are all done with this life and we are able to see through the eyes of complete understanding...

I am looking forward to this new time of "empty nesting" that is coming to us... I don't wish my children away, but I feel we have earned this time of happy times with fewer demands on our home time. We can concentrate on each other more, without having to feel guilty that we are spending time away from children that need us too... It's a good thing to move on with seasons of life... I believe we are ready for it...

...but still I wonder... How did we do???

more exercise... and spring reflections...

I am doing well with my exercise/walking goals... the elliptical machine that we have makes it easy for me to walk in any weather... and as I think I have mentioned before, for me it is also idea because when I hit my limit I can just get off the machine and be finished... I don't have to still get home from a walk that I over estimated my strength for... like I do if I am walking in the neighborhood and my energy runs out... Also, I still can't walk for any long distances on terra firma, because of the stress that puts on my body at the point of repeated impact... I can simply walk for a much longer time on the elliptical, and up to my limit any given day... so it makes sense to exercise on it... I will admit a little wistfully though, that walking outdoors in the lovely spring weather we have been having would be awfully nice...

I have been enjoying the beauty of our spring in other ways... sitting on the porch with MightyDog and watching some distant clouds roll along the far off mountain ranges... sometimes there was even a little lightening gathered in those mountains and I see natural beauty and wonder of those storms... We have had some unusually gentle rainy days during which I could open the windows and listen to the raindrop as I took care of whatever chore I was in the middle of snug inside our home... It has been a really beautiful spring so far... and my allergies have been almost none existent... for me, a huge blessing... (unfortunately hubby has not been so fortunate... his allergies have been terrible this year...)

So here it is on another glorious spring day I am forever grateful for the simple joy of sharing time with family... I have enjoyed many beautiful days throughout my life and recently... with various groups of family around me... sometimes during the last few months the whole family has been able to gather... other times there has just been one or two family members involved in an activity, but each time I spend time with hubby and/or my children I feel so blessed and happy...

I note that May is almost gone... I can hardly countenance all the memories that have gone by in the past year... last year during this week of May, we were actually on a cruise, in Alaska... celebrating 25 wonderful, happy, years of love and marriage... We had been working very hard to repair and renovate our home and had very recently celebrated the second marriage in less than 5 months, of our beautiful daughter...

This year we are spending large chunks of our budget to pay off medical debts, instead of weddings, home improvements and anniversary fun... but the one thing that stays constant in my life is the joy and love of family, the blessing of a wise and loving Heavenly Father, and gratitude for understanding of what is important... once again thinking in the quiet early morning hours that life is quite GRAND...

motherhood...

I remember when my children were babies, I thought motherhood was so hard... or at least it was a lot harder than I thought it would be when I was single or a young married woman wanting so much to BE a mother... I had grand and glorious ideas of what motherhood was, and how perfect I would preform my duties as a mother... my ideas were fueled a lot by the seemingly effortless example of my own mother, who was the complete super-mom everyone dreams of being... I had so much to learn... and I know that I still do have an awful lot to learn about being a mother... But I am getting a little better each year at seeing motherhood as a growth process and not a final destination...

Just lately I have realized in a very dynamic way that no matter what stage of motherhood you are in... waiting for children, mothering young children, mothering teenaged children, or mothering adult children it is almost never easy... it was no doubt never meant to be "easy"... for it is, I believe, through the experience of mothering and fathering children during our lives that we learn so much about the love our Heavenly Parents have for us...

I was not an easy child in my teen and young adult years for my own parents... I made choices that I know were hard for them... but they eventually saw me in a happy and faithful marriage with a wonderful man they loved like their own son... with children of my own and living a life that they saw as good... My mother's opinion is one I cherish actually... I am grateful that "she" saw me as a successful wife and mother... but I am not the mother she thought me to be in those years before she passed through the veil we call death... I get closer each year... but I am far from there... and mom was enough of a realist to know I was only getting there... as most mothers do... but she had such great faith in me... and I tried harder because of that faith...

Thinking back to our last years together as mother and daughter, my significant health issues were hard for momma to watch me go though, and she said many times that she wished that she could take them from me... That is the eternal nature of mothering, I suppose... We really want the BEST for our children... they will always be our "babies", in some ways... and we wish against hope that everything could be wonderful more than not...

When difficult times come to our children's lives it can be hard to bear... we each must go through experiences that will refine and temper us to be the kind of people we need to be once we get done living our lives here on earth... Each child and parent will experience scraped knees and bumps and bruises, both physically and emotionally all through their lives. Hopefully these journeys will be made with faith as a constant companion... It has been my experience that spiritual journeys often take us into areas that only we can travel even though we can receive support from many who love us, we must plug along on our own spiritual legs, as it were... and as a parent it is hard to stand aside and allow the process during the most difficult moments... as a child it is hard when your parents must travel the hard road of illness and near death... because it is hard to watch those you love in pain... you want to lift them in their sufferings...

We each have personal travels that only we can make... and often mothers, whose hearts are so tender when it comes to their children are relegated to the lonely position of watching the difficult travels from the sideline without any ability to help along that path, at least not in the way they would like to... Sometimes that is because mothers have learned to accept that children must make some journeys alone... and sometimes that is because our support is not accepted by a child... but either way it is a hard road as a parent to travel...

I am so very very glad to be a mother... to have the relationship I do with each of my children... those that I gave birth to, and those that I have been blessed to love as my own later in their lives... I wouldn't give up this path of mothering for anything... even when my heart has ached... the joys outweigh the sorrows by far... each of my children are a joy in my life and each takes up a spot and makes a difference in my heart that I cannot imagine not having a place for...

Though I am far from a great mother, I think I am a good mother... I know that I love deeply, each child, each heart that has been given or guided to me, to love and mother...

Motherhood has been good to me... I hope that someday it will be said that I was good to the cause of motherhood...

friends...

Most of us have friends... and most of us lean on those friends from time to time... It's one of the things that friendships are made of... it is a good thing... and often friendships become so important to us, that those friends become as close as family... It is a really nice thing that happens, sometimes...

Last evening we spent some hours having dinner and visiting with Son1 & Sweetee... no special occasion, just an evening together... It was a nice break and loads of fun... We laughed A LOT... (the men talked shop... which tends to happen when you get a nurse and a nursing student together...) we talked about houses, mutual friends, and extended family... we caught up on members of Sweetee's family which has become an extension of ours, it's really nice... we talked about a few plans on the horizon... jobs, school, food, pets, and a dozen other topics... It was so much fun...

We have done this with our other kids too... occasionally we can get most of the family in one place... but we have to take these opportunities to get together a few at a time, because we are all busy and scattered a bit right now...

I realized as we were driving home that for me, my ability and comfort in leaning on my family for support and love is growing... as our children grow and mature they are a frequent source of strength and emotional support... They are there to pray for us and we are gaining so much from that relationship... At some point children become not just family members but good friends too... What a lovely thing that is... I also recognize that not all families have these blessed opportunities or relationships...

In another time, I remember sitting with my own parents and just enjoying the moments when we were no longer just parents and children, but we could be friends too... and I wondered to myself if that day would ever come with my then young and needy children... Well, I am here to say that life comes full circle, if you are blessed to see it... For me the time has arrived that I see myself as my parents probably saw themselves and I see my children in a whole new light as the future, already arrived...

It's just plain COOL...!!!

the few, the proud, the [mom] tears....

I am more than a little surprised to be adjusting to the roll of "Marine Mom..." Honestly I never once considered that I would EVER be one... the Navy was once something Son1 considered, as a way after his mission to get schooling covered... even the possibly of Military Reserve stints of some kind was something hubby and I saw as a possibility for any of our sons, or "adopted sons" at some time in their lives... so I do not object to military service... In fact I have great respect for all the wonderful men and women who serve in our armed forces... I know that many service men and women complete difficult and arduous jobs daily to keep our country safe... I have had many friends in the past, and have a few currently, who are serving in one branch of the military or another... but the Marines are a whole level of intensity that I never considered for my sons, even once... especially when Son2's personality is the focus of consideration...

Son2 has always been my "pacifist" child... he has always made fun of those that were "joiners" (of practically anything, when he was in HS)... and he is my artist... has the heart of a creator, not what I would ever have seen as a warrior, but I guess I missed a part of him that has been there, all along, just less visible. He has a burning desire to serve his country and he wants to do it right now, so that is what he is doing.

He passed his physical last week after his medical records were very carefully reviewed... since he is a lightning survivor... there was a need to obtain pre-approval, to even send him down for a physical from the recruiters office... and no one he talked to had ever met a survivor before... so he got a chance to recount the story more times than he wanted, I'm sure... But he is in good physical shape and has no trouble already passing the boot requirements, (pull-up, sit-up, and running minimums...) and he is training to become even stronger before entering...

He is waiting currently on the process, to find out what his ship date will be, and which of his education/training choices will be his future... so there are still many questions... but he is in, and working on what he can do to get ready for the very strenuous physical life of a Marine.

A year ago his goal was submitting his mission paperwork at this juncture in his life... and I would be a liar if I did not admit that this change in his plans over the last weeks has taken me some time to adjust to... Still, we love him and pray for his happiness and success as any parent does their child, even when they don't completely understand their choices... We also hope and encourage him that as he moves forward he will remember his faith and commitment to following the Commandments of God at all times. That he will be a good example to those he serves with and perhaps in that way be a missionary to his future friends in the military.

I take comfort that not every person's life follows the same path, and I certainly know that mine did not fit many of the "molds" I imagined I would fill when I was younger... I am learning to allow my children to find their own paths... it's a hard task... this letting go of adult children... I don't suppose parents ever really get used to it... even if you have a dozen kids...