motherhood...

I remember when my children were babies, I thought motherhood was so hard... or at least it was a lot harder than I thought it would be when I was single or a young married woman wanting so much to BE a mother... I had grand and glorious ideas of what motherhood was, and how perfect I would preform my duties as a mother... my ideas were fueled a lot by the seemingly effortless example of my own mother, who was the complete super-mom everyone dreams of being... I had so much to learn... and I know that I still do have an awful lot to learn about being a mother... But I am getting a little better each year at seeing motherhood as a growth process and not a final destination...

Just lately I have realized in a very dynamic way that no matter what stage of motherhood you are in... waiting for children, mothering young children, mothering teenaged children, or mothering adult children it is almost never easy... it was no doubt never meant to be "easy"... for it is, I believe, through the experience of mothering and fathering children during our lives that we learn so much about the love our Heavenly Parents have for us...

I was not an easy child in my teen and young adult years for my own parents... I made choices that I know were hard for them... but they eventually saw me in a happy and faithful marriage with a wonderful man they loved like their own son... with children of my own and living a life that they saw as good... My mother's opinion is one I cherish actually... I am grateful that "she" saw me as a successful wife and mother... but I am not the mother she thought me to be in those years before she passed through the veil we call death... I get closer each year... but I am far from there... and mom was enough of a realist to know I was only getting there... as most mothers do... but she had such great faith in me... and I tried harder because of that faith...

Thinking back to our last years together as mother and daughter, my significant health issues were hard for momma to watch me go though, and she said many times that she wished that she could take them from me... That is the eternal nature of mothering, I suppose... We really want the BEST for our children... they will always be our "babies", in some ways... and we wish against hope that everything could be wonderful more than not...

When difficult times come to our children's lives it can be hard to bear... we each must go through experiences that will refine and temper us to be the kind of people we need to be once we get done living our lives here on earth... Each child and parent will experience scraped knees and bumps and bruises, both physically and emotionally all through their lives. Hopefully these journeys will be made with faith as a constant companion... It has been my experience that spiritual journeys often take us into areas that only we can travel even though we can receive support from many who love us, we must plug along on our own spiritual legs, as it were... and as a parent it is hard to stand aside and allow the process during the most difficult moments... as a child it is hard when your parents must travel the hard road of illness and near death... because it is hard to watch those you love in pain... you want to lift them in their sufferings...

We each have personal travels that only we can make... and often mothers, whose hearts are so tender when it comes to their children are relegated to the lonely position of watching the difficult travels from the sideline without any ability to help along that path, at least not in the way they would like to... Sometimes that is because mothers have learned to accept that children must make some journeys alone... and sometimes that is because our support is not accepted by a child... but either way it is a hard road as a parent to travel...

I am so very very glad to be a mother... to have the relationship I do with each of my children... those that I gave birth to, and those that I have been blessed to love as my own later in their lives... I wouldn't give up this path of mothering for anything... even when my heart has ached... the joys outweigh the sorrows by far... each of my children are a joy in my life and each takes up a spot and makes a difference in my heart that I cannot imagine not having a place for...

Though I am far from a great mother, I think I am a good mother... I know that I love deeply, each child, each heart that has been given or guided to me, to love and mother...

Motherhood has been good to me... I hope that someday it will be said that I was good to the cause of motherhood...