honesty...

WHAT a drag... I am sharing this because someone I respect, admire, and care about asked that I be honest with friends that don't know yet, and care about me... I am having some more health issues. Okay, there... I said it... Happy now???

I have been having some female problems associated with menopause for over a year now... and I have become anemic... but not just a little anemic, lately... I keep passing out... I will probably be having a hysterectomy in the next little while (this is actually something we are hoping for... because it would solve a couple related issues for me...)

Anyway, now you know... probably more than you wanted to... huh?

more food for thought...

"There is a myth that the purpose of education is that of giving you the means for upward mobility and success. The plain fact is that the planet does not need more "successful" people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every shape and form. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these needs have little to do with success as our culture has defined it."

~ Thomas Merton

I love fall...

I like spring too, but I have allergies in the spring, so there are challenges during the spring for me that are not present at other times of the year... summer is hot and my body doesn't handle heat very well... Winter is lovely too, but there are lots of days that it is too cold to go out for long... so, I love the season of fall... I like crisp nights, and cooler days... I like the freshness of garden vegetables, apples that crunch really loud when I bite into them... and the taste of soups that I haven't been able to enjoy for months during the heat of the summer... I like the smell of things baking that haven't been baked in the heat of the summer either...

This year particularly I have liked new things about the fall... like watching the young school children head off past our house in new clothes and carrying their backpacks proudly to the bus stop, with moms following at a "safe" distance... obviously struggling to give that first taste of new independence to an oldest child in the family... and I remembered those days in my own life...

I like hearing the marching band practice at the high school when we go past sometimes in the early morning, remembering when Son1 was asked to play the bass drum, because he was one of the the only members with enough height to carry and play it... and they didn't really need him as another trumpet, so he got some new instrument experiences that year...

I like watching the day move into night... that strangely LOUD, but peaceful cicada filled time of day in our part of the world when the hills out past our place are bathed in an otherworldly combination of clouds and light that only God could create. I sometimes wish I had the skill to paint something like this...

This year especially, I really love the fall. ~ PA

why do I blog???

A few days ago I was reading a friend's blog and she was wondering about blog etiquette... You know, whether you should leave comments when you visit someone's blog, etc... personally, I do leave comments sometimes... but only if I already know the person and have something I want to say... and I try to keep them short... I certainly don't do it to be polite...

After thinking about my friend's post, I wondered... why is it that I started keeping this blog? At one point I thought I never would... I always thought blogging was kind of weird... I mean who wants to read about my life...? The answer is that at first it was a way to share parts of me with people that I have little other contact with... A picture here an experience there. And in fact for the fist year after I started sharing, I didn't even archive anything, after about 30 days the posts expired... Initially my reasons for joining blogspot was two friends (twin sisters from the old-old days... you know... gasp, High School...) that are both serious and successful writers and they blog for the benefit of their book and magazine article following. Their joint blog is a way to have a dialog with fans. But they are so busy with their lives and writing that they do a lot less email and they actually suggested that I keep them updated this way.

Since blogs can be followed with an RSS feed that is their preference with most info they read... a quick scan all in one place... I doubt they come very often to my blog to read and I don't usually visit theirs, partly because what they write revolves around very different topics than I am comfortable in my world with. They understand and are okay with that... They don't really get me all the time either. Our core belief systems are different and our lives have gone in very different paths. They probably don't care to read about my temple trips and I don't enjoy some of the bantering that goes on with their fans, because of the language some use... but I watch for personal comments they make which they flag with a specific weekly tag, when those show up in my RSS feed... They taught me how to use this feature and it is the way they scan my info. Wow... I got really off topic there...

Over the last year my reasons for continuing to blog have evolved... and I decided recently that I started writing for me a few months ago... It's the same reason I journal... and this blog ends up being the public version of my journal... it's the parts that I don't care if others read... and a way to share my PollyAnna thinking with others... My alter ego PollyAnna is my reminder to stop whining and get on with being happy. Whining just bores other people and make you feel worse anyway...

And with that revelation, I realized that I really don't necessarily think about who is reading my blog... although I admit that I appreciate comments... but I don't think to much about the specific people reading my words... because if I think about that, I get self conscious and I can't write at all, I would start writing for them, and really I write here as a do in my journals as a way to "mark my place," in my book of life.

Oh and in case you have been following this journey, here and there... and noticed that I change the name of the blog and color palette... yet again... Truth is, this name especially feels more like the fit I wanted from the beginning, but didn't really know how to get myself there, I guess that needed to evolve too... and I am pretty sure I will leave it with this name, from here out. I am just a little surprised that it's been such a fun journey for me...

the house that daddy built... (part 2)

...back to the story of the house... when momma and daddy sold their home and moved to Idaho a couple they knew bought it from them... that was almost 60 years ago... That house, that daddy built, is located in the area that Princess Bride and Sir Knight are moving to, so that is one of the reasons we searched it out and stopped by to see it... (I also went to both cemeteries where my grandparents and other relatives are buried...) Daddy and momma had taken me by to see it many years ago when I had driven them down for an aunt's funeral... That was when they had moved back to Arizona and they lived near where we live now... When I was in the area a couple weeks ago and discovered that this same family still lives in the house... (well the matriarch of the family still lives in it. She is a widow now, and needs a little help, but is surprisingly spry for 88...) and heard from my cousin that lives in the old family home my grandfather built, that she loves visitors, I could not resist at least trying to visit. The property originally belonged to grandpa, I believe... so PB and I decided to stop and take a picture of the house, then the next day we went by to see the house, SK was even a good sport and went with us...

The couple that purchased the house from daddy and momma added on to the back of the house (though even that addition was done about 50 years ago...) today it is larger than the original floor plan, and they raised their family of 6 children in it...

Over the years they maintained the house superbly... I consider it to have beautiful style... It is built of block, mortar and stucco, common for that area and time when there was no air conditioning, and long hot days of hard work and family farms to be tended besides a job and house...

Another cousin, as we were talking about this house... explained to me that gables on the front of such homes were something of a trademark for grandfather in that small town... and that many of the old homes there with gables were either designed or built by my grandfather... That was a fun bit of information to learn... but the greatest part was to be allowed to walk through the home and visit with the woman that has lovingly tended the home all these years...

This sweet lady was so gracious and kind... she guided us through... told us the history of certain things that happened there as her family was growing up... She talked about knowing my dad's family for as long as she could remember... told us stories of watching daddy build the house and lay the floor boards... She talked about how much she wanted the home when they discovered it was for sale, partly because it's backyard touched grandparents back yard... Everyone loved my grandparents and they were surrogate aunt/uncle or grandparents to many that weren't their own natural family members... Maybe that is where I get that piece of my personality from...?

The arched entry and front matching arched window were original to the home. We were told that the front bedroom window had once matched, but had to be replaced, many years ago and a traditional window was put in it's place. A car port was also added, when the back rooms were built. But the inside of the home is amazingly well preserved in mostly it's original state... The original rounded ceiling joints, bull nosed door jams, doors/door knobs, kitchen cabinets and many other features are still there... The floors were replaced some years ago, because of wear and unevenness... but the rooms definitely have their original 30-40's style home feel... Even the minor water seepage that was pointed out was something that evidently took many years to show up... and would be easily fixed... It was probably the result of the house needing new shingles, not a structural issue...

The cool thing is that this house was built by my dad... as far as I know it's the only house he built from the ground up. After that momma and daddy bought homes that they remodeled, sometimes quite extensively...

....but this was the house that daddy built...

the house that daddy built... (part 1)

Many, many years ago (I believe it was it was in 1935 the year they got married...) my daddy started building a house for his new bride and future family... My paternal grandfather was a builder and a contractor... that was what his life's work was... so he naturally helped many of his children to build homes... We grew up hearing about how grandpa helped daddy to build that house all those many years ago... I remember that momma said that only the front living area and their bedroom were completed by the time they had my oldest brother... at that time they had been married about 4.5 years... the next two children came close behind that eldest child's entry into the family, fortunately another bedroom, the kitchen, and bath, were completed about the time the 2nd child came along... eventually the home would be a small but well built 3 bedroom, one bath, home... and 4 children were born within the walls of the home at a time when women didn't go to hospitals to have children, and doctor's were sometimes late to the party, anyway... My grandmothers delivered or helped deliver all those older siblings...

That was during a time that few homes were larger than 2 bedrooms to start out... Homes were usually added on to as family needs changed, so they were sometimes a hodgepodge of styles and shapes... but grandfather was a man of vision and had embraced the idea that floor plans should be built at least with expansion in mind, and that family homes needed to be bigger to start with... not just for the wealthy, or large farming families that could generally afford it...

I remember momma saying that they made the decision to get a loan to keep building on the house, because they ran out of money... (kind of a new idea back then... remember the Frank Capra movie "It's a Wonderful Life"?) Well they went to a savings and loan to borrow a modest amount in order to complete their dream... right after they were married, and while they were first building, they lived with daddy's parents, in the basement of their house... and of course they wanted their own space to grow in... The loan officer that approved their building fund application asked them why they needed so many bedrooms...? The short answer was that momma and daddy were from pretty large families (there were 12 surviving children in dad's family, 6 in mom's) and both wanted a large family, though they never really had a number in mind, momma once explained to me... The longer answer was that they intended to fill the bedrooms with memories and memories sometimes come with building something... They would eventually have 8 children but the second four were all born after they sold that first home that daddy built in Southeastern Arizona and moved far north to another state, Idaho...

I am the 7th child in my family... My little sister was born while our oldest brother was on his mission and after our oldest sister was married. She is only 15 months older than momma and daddy's oldest grandchild, who was born to that sister... I was only about 5 when my first nephew was born, but I remember thinking it was great to be an aunt... though I wasn't really sure what that would mean for my future... now I don't really remember not being an aunt...

(...to be continued.)

meet a meany...

Don't you just hate it when you say or write something mean...? Even when it's not quite intentional...? And though you kind of know that you shouldn't... you still give in to temptation... I sure dislike that weakness...

Recently I made a comment somewhere... It was deleted, and that is fine... in fact, it's better that way... even though I believe to some extent what I wrote... after giving it more thought I admit it was mean... So if anyone read it... I apologize... I was not trying to be intentionally mean... I was however mean because I actually thought it and put it in words... later I thought about how mean it would sound to those whose lives are very different from mine... and I was mad at myself for not controlling my hands...

I don't like being a meany...

special family days...

Every family has special days... births, deaths, marriages, graduations, and birthday celebrations are generally among some of the biggest memory makers for most families... in our church important days include blessing babies, baptisms, young women/young men/scout awards, priesthood ordinations and mission calls... For families of many faiths the bigger your family grows the more of these days you have...

Today is a "special day" for my son-in-law, Sir Knight... His family and probably some close friends were together for the weekend to celebrate... I am sure it was a fun weekend, because they are a close family... not to mention they really know how to have a good time... It is a reminder to me how wise our Heavenly Father is to give us families as not only a wonderful means of support, but also as a source of happiness and fun...

I am very grateful for Sir Knight as part if our family now too, and I wanted to take the time to tell him that today...

another temple trip...

Wow... high five ME, okay?!?!?!?!?!?

I got a chance to go to the temple twice, in 2 days. Yesterday afternoon I rode to Mesa with Princess Bride (she was going down to meet Sir Knight for the weekend,) and we decided that it would be fun to go to the temple, just the two of us, before SK got into town. There is nothing like spending a little quality time with your child, no matter what the circumstances. I got the chance to take a trip to the temple with Son1 right before his mission, just us, as well... it's a great experience, and I highly recommend it.

Anyway... what brought this opportunity up in the first place was that Son1 & Sweetee had invited me to go with them today, since they were going... but a trip all in one day is really hard for me energy wise, so I went down yesterday with PB, we had a girls day/evening together... I stayed the night at my cousin's home and had a nice visit (PB of course stayed with SK, at his parent's home in Mesa...) Then I went to the temple this morning with Son1 & Sweetee, and came home with them after stopping for lunch... What a great weekend so far... Even though I missed hubby (because he was working, for the most part, during my adventure...) I am still so glad I got to go... I needed the lift. Now I am worn OUT~!

Support each other...

Each couple and family develops physical and emotional rolls...

Daddy sat on the stand in a bishopric for some years when his family was growing up... even as a busy member of a ward somehow dad found time while momma was serving in her callings too, to help her set up the hundreds of quilts that she quilted in our home... honestly during some years their home more often than not, had a quilt in progress... Daddy would do the dishes many nights so that momma's hands wouldn't get irritated in the dish water because that made quilting harder... (When quilting a person's fingertip will get poked over and over again... after a while that fingertip is so sore that everything hurts... especially soapy-greasy dishwater.) In turn momma did many of the things traditional fathers do when daddy was gone...

My mom and dad grew up in an era of society where men were the providers and women took care of the kids... and kids were seen and not heard... but that wasn't how my parents did it... Daddy was the original "involved dad"... who played hard with his kids and could be found helping a teen son tear apart an engine of a "hot-rod" he wished he'd give up... as often as anything else... Hunting, fishing and camping were excuses to be off with US, his children... he taught every one of his five daughters to change the oil in the family station wagon AND enjoy other things... We gardened as a family and ate the stuff sometimes as fast as we picked it in the early days of the harvest... He taught us all how to prune the rose bushes that mom lovingly planted/tended... He taught us how to do so many things, by being right there helping us do it... how he ever found enough time I don't know... It seems to me he was always in leadership... but I never felt cheated by that, and neither did my siblings... He was just like his own dad and his grandfather when it came to involvement with the family. They were the kind of fathers that I think DO come naturally to men if they will listen to their hearts and NOT follow "societal trends".

I tell people (somewhat jokingly, but it is actually pretty true...) that I didn't get married until I found someone like my daddy... However, hubby didn't learn to be a father by example... he was raised by a very disconnected father... my FIL loves hubby's mother very much, but he traveled for business during the years his own children were growing up and both hubby's parents were alcoholics. FIL never figured out how to be a father... fortunately he did figure out how to be a husband. Hubby will tell you that he learned how to be a father by watching the prophet and my father... and a few other righteous men he watched... He noticed the ones that got it right, from all walks of life... He learned how to be a good husband by listening to His Heavenly Father speak to his heart while on his knees for guidance... He certainly didn't leave the process to chance, because he will tell you that our eternal marriage, and the chance to be together forever is too important for that approach. I feel the same way... but I am not nearly as good at this process as he is... I learned that hubby would be the kind of husband and father my own father was by listening to the spirit when I asked while sitting in the Celestial Room of the SL Temple 25 years ago...I asked Heavenly Father if hubby had that kind of potential... I got a VERY firm YES! And I have never once wondered if I made the right choice. As we raised our children and taught about this process we have stressed that ONLY our Father and Savior knows the person you are thinking of marrying... ask Him if you can be happy... and once you decide through revelation that this is a good-right choice work as HARD and as diligently as you can to make it into the BEST marriage in the world, there is no way you won't succeed if you both do that.

I am grateful for the gospel for many reasons... but one reason is because I personally believe that if people will truly live the gospel within their family relationships that they will not make the mistakes that the world inflict on couples and families. This is something that my parents taught their children by example... more than any other way. My dad taught me that the priesthood isn't to "equalize men" cause women are already better... or a tool to rule over the church... It is God's Authority to act in His name here on earth... it is assigned to righteous men in the church to enable them to bless the world. In the hands of ordinary men and women which most of us are... it has no other purpose.. We know it cannot be used to bless the holder, only his family and those he ministers to... for the priesthood to personally bless him, he must call on someone else. In his wisdom God the Father assigned that authority to men... His purposes are not known to me... but I have faith and a personal witness that His order of things is correctly assigned. When couples and families embrace their God given rolls... families and marriages flourish...

a family raised on rainbows...

Just before hubby and I got married I received a book from my matron of honor at my bridal shower. The title of the book was the same as the title of this post... it was full of creative, inexpensive ways to entertain, maintain, and just in general raise kids on a shoestring and have a lot of fun doing it. It was a positive, hands on approach to family fun and joy... the message was simply that you don't have to have money to be happy. I have gotten rid of a lot of books over the last 25 years... but that book is still on my shelf... I plan to pass it down... because it has a good message, and I used many of it's ideas while raising my children.

The last few days of financial news has reminded me about that message of hope. We all need rainbows I suppose... and just yesterday Hubby and I were discussing how... contrary to so many around us... we have an attitude of optimism, and we feel our children's futures look pretty bright...

Okay, yes... there will be some tough times ahead for them... everyone has hard times... but they are all hard workers and they will all do okay, they know and have positively used the principles taught them from childhood of: tithing and fast offerings, saving for what they want, knowing the difference between wants and needs, living on a budget and staying out of debt as much as is possible. They know how to stretch a dollar and they understand borrowing carefully for things like educations, a modest home and/or car... they will all be okay as long as they remember these things and live true to those principles.

Following the prophet's counsel to live modest and spend wisely is more than just a good idea, we believe it is the best way to live so that when uncertain times come (which they always do...) you can live free of the fear that many face because they just didn't listen to that wisdom... Hubby and I do not feel the fear that many do... we have planned and followed prophetic counsel for many years now. We have not been perfect, we have made many mistakes... but they have been less damaging to our family's security than some friends we have. Today for us is not much different from 25 years ago financially except that we are in better shape I suppose. I guess we will see, over the next few month and years how good a shape we are in... But we will still need to watch our expenses and we will still need to plan for that future... and we will continue to live as debt free as we can.

I guess what I am sharing here is that one of my greatest joys in these uncertain times is the contemplation that the future looks pretty bright for our kids... they are mostly-all headed in the right direction... we MUST have done something good... they all have hope for the future and they all will be fine if they keep doing what they have BEEN doing... follow the prophet, have faith, and stand for truth and righteousness. They are not perfect either... they will make mistake, they will fall down sometimes... but they will be able to get up, dust off, and get back on track easier by following the prophet. What a blessing that is...

There are rainbows ahead... that's really good to "know"...

putting my shoulder to the wheel...

...today I have a ton of work to do... I don't really want to do it... but... I am going to try and get as much as I can done... then when I collapse exhausted in my chair, I am going to TRY not to feel like I am unproductive... today...

easier said than done at times...

I've been traveling...

Last Wednesday Princess Bride and I went to the town where she and Sir Knight are moving... He is already working there... She is spending her time the next few weeks packing and getting everything ready to move... she is still working here... and since their lease is up in Oct... with Sir Knight staying with a cousin that works for the same company, as a temporary arrangement... financially it makes sense not to rent two places at once... I guess it is beside the fact that they haven't found a place yet...

Anyway, earlier in the week when Princess Bride decided to go down for a few extra days and the weekend... to do some job and house hunting... I tagged along so that I could visit my Aunt and some cousins, that also live in the same town...

We had a great trip and it was somewhat productive... PB still had to leave her beloved hubby behind... they dislike that separation, of course... so that was not great... But I believe they are a bit closer to finding some place to live... that process is always a challenge...

The good news is that now the time is closer to the day they will be together all the time again (have to look at the bright side, no...???) Not to mention, SK and PB have a temple trip planned for this next weekend (meeting halfway in the middle)... and Sir Knight's is having a birthday bash with his family over next weekend as well...

Okay... so the next big news flash is that hubby and I really, REALLY... REALLLLLLLLY... missed each other... And actually that part was terrible... I found myself at an embarrassingly odd loss without hubby to use as my sounding board for ideas that I am unsure of... so, maybe I won't do another longish discovery trip without him...? I really like him around me all the time, and he says he likes me around him too... :-D

By the way... "how???"... you ask, "did I post while traveling???" I pre-dated the posts for the last couple days, so that they posted while I was gone... I learned that little trick from a daily blogging enthusiast that I read. She splits up her long life-journal type posts, even though she only writes once weekly... I should splits my thoughts up a bit more... maybe???

Go on dates...

...but stop thinking of dates as eating out or going to a movie...

My dad didn't take my mom "out" on dates. He saw it as wasteful. He was a product of the depression and fortunately mom and he agreed about this area of real life need... BUT, when it came time to "can" the garden there was daddy right beside her... working every bit as hard until the last piece of fruit was preserved... and they laughed and joked and sang together doing it... for them that was a major enjoyment... They also enjoyed sitting and watching old movies together. They had quite a nice "record collection"... they would play Glen Miller or Tommy Dorsey and really enjoy the music together... At daddy's funeral my oldest brother said it right when he said... "They didn't have a formal date every week. For them every evening was a date night while the fixed dinner together... once they were retired every day they would have mini dates through out the day... It wasn't a time set aside to be connected... they were connected ALL the time... They found it hard to make time to be disconnected..." I believe that is the way Heavenly Father intended it. And I know that for daddy that 5 weeks of disconnect after momma died was terrible. I saw that in Pres Hinckley's face after sister Hinckley passed... his face never looked quite as happy again to me. For spouses that have "become one" being apart is un-natural, and apart has nothing to do with "the physical".

7 years...

since 9/11...

The Soldier

He is that fallen lance that lies as hurled,
That lies unlifted now, come dew, come rust,
But still lies pointed as it ploughed the dust.
If we who sight along it round the world,
See nothing worthy to have been its mark,
It is because like men we look too near,
Forgetting that as fitted to the sphere,
Our missiles always make too short an arc.
They fall, they rip the grass, they intersect
The curve of earth, and striking, break their own;
They make us cringe for metal-point on stone.
But this we know, the obstacle that checked
And tripped the body, shot the spirit on
Further than target ever showed or shone.

~ Robert Frost

new adventures...

Sounds fun, doesn't it...?

Since January I have not worked outside our home. For 8 years while our family went through some really difficult financial struggles and hubby's retraining as a nurse I worked full time and helped to support the family... For about half that time, my body had been in a remission, and I had done fairly well... In April 2005 things changed drastically when hubby and I were in a serious accident involving a careless driver of a runaway vehicle that hit us and forced us off the road into great danger. Miraculously, we were saved from serious injury... but I ended up with some torn tendons in my shoulder and my disease flared badly for months... Life again became a struggle between my body and my immune system...

When last summer my job completely changed, I was able to cut my hours back hoping to hang on to my insurance as long as possible. Nevertheless, in December it became apparent that I could no longer work on any regular level... My declining health issues were rapidly becoming a force I could not control and still maintain our insurance benefits through that employer... another approach needed to be made.

So we made the leap of faith and I stopped working. I have always felt that our family had made the right choice when I went back to work and that it was with the Lord's blessing... I also always felt I would know when the time for giving up the insurance was here... I was not disappointed. I knew with firm confirmation that the time had come that I should be at home with my family more... Hubby mediocre insurance plan was picked up and we changed our approach in my treatment based on those benefits. These changes have meant many adjustments for us financially.

The next few months were a whirlwind of activity with house renovations, and wedding plans... Not to mention that HS senior year activities for Son2 and an anniversary cruise with hubby that were high on the list of important events over the last months... I have described many of those activities in this blog... but what I have not described is my challenge in facing my days that were not happy events. The truth is that many of my days are filled with physical pain...

I hide that pain from everyone... even my family... because to admit how much of the day is filled with hurt is too difficult to voice. I start sounding like and feeling like a whiner... I dislike whining... So my days and thoughts are filled with activities to avoid writing, thinking or talking about pain...

Last night's CES Fireside was something I needed to boost me past a plateau of fear that life would never get better than this... I was reminded that there is joy even inside the days of pain... My children are a wonderful source of joy and comfort... They are fun to be around... and they love me...

Hubby is my heart's desire as companion and the greatest friend I have. He knows me and accepts me, with all my faults and weaknesses. That by itself is an amazing blessing in my life... But at this time in our lives he works and sleeps crazy hours... with my blessing because he is happy and finds great joy and reward in his occupation... My children are grown up now and no longer need me in the same ways they have in the past... I am alone quite a bit and I have the time, (but unfortunately not the health) to do just about anything I want now... the good news is that I have figured out that there is much I CAN do to be happy, useful and productive... without leaving home...

So, (you ask...) what are these new adventures I mention...? They are journeys into an unknown world of discovery... about happy places and fun things I have never tried before... and things I have loved in the past but did not have the time and energy for when I was working... I have already started to do some of them, over the last months... and in the next months I may take more classes... I may digi-scrapbook a lot more... I may help others more with their genealogy (that is a passion I have enjoyed for many years...) I may travel a bit more, despite my doctor's poo-pooing the idea (he is SUCH an old stick in the mud...) And I may just finish/try to get published that book that I started 14 years ago... when my youngest started school...

Whatever adventure I go on that involves leaving home... I will probably not be alone... I will have hubby or my kids or a friend with me... But when I am at home hurting and just trying to avoid the pain... I will sometimes be alone and I have remembered that I have all their prayers and the Lord to help me find ways to be useful and joyful...

And actually, that message today is what I wish to pass on to those I love... You have my prayers... and I want to encourage you in YOUR new adventures...

comfort and HOPE...

Tonight... Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke to the Young Adults of the church... I listened to this message of comfort and hope as it was streaming online... PLEASE to any within the realm of my message... take time to hear his words... and open your heart...

I cannot express in my own words how this address to my young adult children, both married and single... has directly answered some prayers I have been supplicating the Lord with...

a tea party...

I really like almost everything Victorian... and the idea of tea parties is appealing to me... I only drink herbal tea... but I really like to go to restaurants where they understand and serve the whole "afternoon tea" set up... While we were in Victoria B.C. we drove by the Empress Hotel (on the sightseeing bus). I was singularly tempted to attend the evening tea they arranged for that day's cruise ship tourists... but the crowds were too large and the prices were too high.

I have come up with a solution to missing that tea... I am going to have a "tea" for my "girls" and my friends... You know the whole shebang... various sandwiches, scones (with butter, clotted cream and jam) plus a few cakes and pastries... and I would like to serve it all on tiered stands. *note to self... call around...*

I need to do this in September, because Princess Bride and Sir Knight are moving away in October. He got a got job that is a great opportunity and so as soon as their lease is up PB will follow her hubby far away from us. I am glad for them and sad for us... September will be a difficult for PB while SK commutes for weekends at home. They will be bless though, of that I am sure.

In the meantime I think we will have a little tea party as a way to pass part of the time... [BIG grin]

my brother's birthday...

Today is my brother's birthday... except he has moved through the veil that we call death, so he doesn't celebrate birthdays any more... It's now been more than 4.5 years since he left us behind... the time has gone surprisingly fast, but every once in a while like on his birthday I suddenly miss his way of making others care... his infectious laugh... and his bigger than life presence in our extended family...

He played Santa for years every Christmas, for all kinds of service organizations... before he was disabled by a massive brain aneurysm. He was with us for another 2+ years after that, but he never really recovered... I'll never forget the call telling us that is was critically ill... it was just before hubby's and my anniversary... he spent months in the hospital... then the next fall his youngest son, a twin, was killed in a motorcycle accident after a careless driver turned his van in front of him... He was wearing a helmet... he was on his way to pick up some extra hours at work, in order to help his mother pay the mountainous medical bills that his father had... Such a wonderful young man... He died within minutes... That was a new challenge for my sister in law that I hardly understood her strength to handle...

When BigBrother too was called home I watched Sissyinlaw manage the loss with faith and fortitude... never questioning the Lord's wisdom... all 5 ft nothing, 89 lbs of her... Where she pulled all that strength from I have no idea... But she spent more time comforting everyone else, than being comforted after both deaths... She is to this day an amazing and faithful woman.

I wanted to take a minute and share what a wonderful brother I have because I have faith I will hug him again... I miss him ... but I know that my loss is not as painful as his own family feels it on days like today... Neverthless, I think of him often and sometimes I still shed tears...

when all else fails...

...get on your knees... This idea isn't new to me, but I guess I needed a new reminder...

I suspect it's my own fault for thinking that things were going pretty good... that the family was coming of age and with it... a season of peace and joy, and a little motherly respite... I suppose I should have known, really... or figured on a new challenge...

So here I am back on my knees again praying for help and understanding... and trying to find my PollyAnna soul...

Say "I am sorry..."

...when you are wrong. Don't qualify, just say it and learn to mean it.

Over the 71.5 years that momma and daddy were married they perfected... (in my not so humble opinion) this concept/quality. I never once heard daddy say to momma... "I'm sorry, but..." Or momma to daddy either for that matter... Because by the time I came along into the family they had been married for 22 years... It boggles my mind to think of having a small child at my age but when my mother turned 50, my little sister was not quite 6... I had turned just 9 the previous December. There were 21 years between my oldest brother's and my youngest sister's births... My brother was on his mission when she was born... My oldest sister was already married, and my oldest nephew is only 15 months younger than sis... Momma literally spent 40 years raising her 8 children, because of our spacing. Something she simply accepted. To me the idea is nearly unfathomable... But one thing that I think was very interesting for the 4 younger children in our family to contemplate was that when they were young... momma and daddy were different people, than when the 4 older children were young.

By the time I could make heads or tails of adult conversations... my parents had become very good at recognizing when they messed up and apologizing for it. I didn't realize at the time how completely unusual this behavior was. I am not talking about apologizing to keep the peace... I am talking about genuinely learning to recognize when you are wrong, accepting your responsibility to make things right and doing all in your power to accomplish that goal.

The first step??? Learn to say "I am sorry" without making excuses for why something happened... because the whys very rarely matter... The reality is that there are ALWAYS valid reasons for why things happen or are done... I think we all recognize that... But, I am not talking about merely not trying to "save face"... I am talking about honestly digging deep into your heart and accepting that what needs to happen in many cases to make things right IS very simple, and we as imperfect beings muck it up with a lot of "buts..."

Let me give you what I think is a great example from my own life... A few years ago hubby and I had our first really serious argument... I remember that we had been married almost 10 years (so I guess it's actually been about 15 years) and honestly this WAS the first serious disagreement we had face as a couple in our marriage... The problems started with something I said... It was unthinking but not really on purpose... Hubby's feelings were hurt that I could be so callous... but he was big about it and when I apologized with a "but" on the end... he accepted my apology even though he could tell I wasn't REALLY sorry at the time... I was thinking to myself... "how could he possibly have 'heard' what I was saying in that manner?" I held back how I really felt and that was... that I didn't really believe that I owed him an apology. For 6 months this caused a minor but apparent rift between us... and then we finally worked through it... it was much more painful then it needed to be... and took so much longer (over a year of running into some underlying feelings in my heart...) But thank heavens that we had put this behind us before I got really sick.. because I am not sure either of us could have lived with ourselves if something were to happen to the other now and we had not learned how to achieve marital peace over the years...

We've have disagreements but rarely serious arguments these days because we learned a while back that life is too short to leave apologies for another day. I also say... on the other side of this equation... if someone apologies to you... GRACIOUSLY accept. EVERYONE will be MUCH happier!

I credit my parents for helping us to learn these 2 important lessons...

love unfeigned...

The Love Unfeigned

O yonge fresshe folkes, he or she,
In which that love up groweth with your age,
Repeyreth hoom from worldly vanitee,
And of your herte up-casteth the visage
To thilke god that after his image
Yow made, and thinketh al nis but a fayre
This world, that passeth sone as floures fayre.

And loveth him, the which that right for love
Upon a cros, our soules for to beye,
First starf, and roos, and sit in hevene a-bove;
For he nil falsen no wight, dar I seye,
That wol his herte al hoolly on him leye.
And sin he best to love is, and most meke,
What nedeth feyned loves for to seke?

Geoffrey Chaucer