a prayer for the new year...

Soon the old year will bid goodbye to our world and the new year will make it's appearance... Each year the same process happens with different people ushering in New Year's Day in varied ways... In the years that hubby and I have welcomed new adventures along with new years we have generally tried to keep things simple, especially when it comes to our celebrations and goals... We are simple people with simple needs and wants for the most part... we certainly do not wish for a grandiose lifestyle, and we learned many years ago... that most "Eve" events leave us feeling flat and wishing for our familiar ways of welcoming change...

Each year I give a fervent prayer just before the years exchange places [usually because I am headed to bed, around 10 pm... wink] My prayer is one that I am sure I am not alone in uttering... However in specific, I can say that most often I pray for peace in our world, food for hungry nations and especially children, health and well being for those I love, and quite naturally: joy for my own heart... but I also have to admit that I pray for these things, "among other things..." I have each year [as I get older] noticed that my "prayer of renewal" [for lack of a better name] gets a bit longer... and that what I pray for has less to do with me and lot more to do with those I love...

Very often my evening prayer on this night of change each year focuses on those that are in crisis, at least those that I am aware of... this focus can be for a large group or for an individual... but one thing they have in common is that most of the time the prayer I utter is about all I can do to help them... In my reality my goals are focused on doing, but my prayers are focused on feeling... At times [not always, but at times] these two focuses dovetail... and this year one specific focus of my prayers is also a focus of my goals...

The one focus I am willing to share in detail here is in humanitarian service. This year I not only express fervent prayer for the relief of suffering in the world, but one of my goals is to more actively do something about that suffering... I can't feed or cloth the whole world, but I can do a little something to help someone that is suffering... and I have laid out some specific steps as to how I will achieve this goal that I have made for 2009. All my goals for this year have been evolving for a while now and will be listed in detail, on tomorrow's page in my personal journal, but on this eve of another new year I want to commit to my own mind on this one specific thing I can do... I commit to use up the many spare resources I have in my house, in order to help those those that need help... That doesn't mean that I will give away all my food storage to others... or get rid of all the clutter I wish would leave our house of it's own accord... My commitment is simply to use up all the fabric, yarn, and other resources I kept "saving", year after year to benefit those that need warmth, now. For years I have had stores of yarn and materials in bins that I kept thinking I would "make up" in order to give aid to others... blankets, hats and/or other sources of warmth could be made out of these bins... but I procrastinated.. This year I am really going to use up those resources.

This is in addition to other specific goals of de-cluttering and cleaning I have made for myself... or whatever else I have planned for the coming year... My plan for this personal humanitarian effort does not rely on any other person's participation, it is very specific by week and month, I believe it is realistic, and I am excited about it... in fact I am so excited that I couldn't wait for the new year... I started working on this goal a few weeks ago, when I started to be reminded about how blessed we were to have been guided to prepare ourselves for tough times... As a way to express my gratitude to a Heavenly Father that opened my heart to council to prepare for emergencies and to plan for our needs to a point that we can withstand this difficult challenge we as a family have been facing the last weeks of 2008...

It has encouraged me that even feeling as tried and worn out as I have lately, I was able during December to "convert" one box of "supplies" into multiple items and donate them... knitting and crocheting doesn't take much energy... and this success has left me feeling really happy with this goal, and thinking that since I am off to such a great early start, that I will not just succeed in this goal, I will probably out distance my plan, at least this one... but like the gears of a giant clock this success connects and motivates other prayers and year end hopes, in a meaningful light and gives me greater incentive to succeed in other areas, in similar ways...

Each year I become a bigger believer in keeping to the plan... so I am determined to stay on track, working my plan and goals... to the untrained eye, it might seem like I haven't made great headway on my 2008 goals, and here were are closing the year, but I know that I succeeded at some very important goals I set... and 2009 is certainly starting off with a BANG!

So, in true Pollyanna fashion, I express glad attitude that I have the materials available to help others find some warmth... and I am really glad that the church has such a wonderful legacy of helping others that I can be a part of... Watching how the leadership of the church goes about reaching out in crisis to those in need I am reminded that I don't need to be able to feed or cloth the whole world... I just need to do what I can do and add my small offering to a much larger cause... I am also reminded that each prayer is heard and very often answered though the hands of regular, every day people...

wise words, for a new year...

"Over fifty years ago while serving in England as a missionary, I went to the London Central YMCA. I suppose that old building has long since gone, but I can never forget the words that faced visitors in the foyer each time they entered. They were the words of Solomon: 'With all thy getting get understanding.' (Prov. 4:7.)"

~Gordon B. Hinckley, With All Thy Getting Get Understanding, Ensign, Aug 1988, 2–5

rehab update, and other Clan news...

Last week at his follow up with the surgeon hubby got an increase to 90 degrees range on his leg braces, so his Christmas was more mobile... This was way more than we were expecting and now it is easier for him to fit into tight places because his knees are allowed to bend... his legs are VERY long and his turning radius is a lot smaller now... That improvement in his mobility was a wonderful gift... In addition he is now able to kind of "hop" on the left leg and use the walker to get around in the the house more too... so access to the shower is a lot easier, and other areas of the house where before the wheelchair would not go are newly available to him. He is so happy about that... his happiness is contagious. I am really happy for him too... and so grateful for the Lord's blessings in helping him heal so fast...

We are one week farther into this whole process and only 2 weeks from hubby being able to put his weight on his right leg... He started range of motion exercises last week, which are going great, and as soon as he can go weight bearing he can start working on strengthening. He is doing wonderfully...

I wish I could say I am doing as well... I am still more tired than normal, even for me... My anemia is better, but the residual effects of the last few months health issues linger. I am hanging on, but just never feel up to much of anything... even spending time updating this blog or reading RSS feeds and blogs I normally can't wait to peruse are not drawing my attention... For one thing, I keep falling asleep with the keyboard in my lap. [chuckling] But mainly it's because the disease is fully active again and I feel like I have the flu much of the time... so that isn't fun and those symptoms make me want to hibernate... It's really not depression... just exhaustion and that overall sickly feeling of needing a nap all the time. It's a real pain.

We still have help coming in... meals a few times a week and help from the kids are a wonderful blessing... but I admit that the drain on my energies over the last 5 weeks has been a lot for me to handle. That makes hubby feel even more impatient to be well... but he can't rush his recovery too much more than he already has, and we are both trying to be patient... It's been an eye-opener to me how the elderly must feel when they care for each other with very limited abilities and resources... and it shows me that we as a couple need to plan even better for future possible emergencies... Many of the preparations we did make have been life savers... but we need to set more aside... and we need to try harder to live on less, when we have more to save... We can do better than we were doing... we had gotten complacent in some areas...

As far as social events over the last week... we had the opportunity to spend Christmas Eve with family and extended family/friends at Son1 and Sweetee's home for a wonderful Polish menu... I ate way to much and enjoyed every single bite... Sweetee and her mom cooked for days, I think, and OH MY how tasty it was... All we did was provide a couple of simple deserts which I wanted to make anyway, because honestly I simply had to make hubby his Pecan Pie which didn't happen on his birthday this year, since we were at his surgeon's office that day... but I couldn't believe it took me hours to make one pie and one batch of shortbread cookies... what's up with that??? Still it was definitely a wonderful celebration... and we were really happy to be included...

Christmas was very simple and quiet for us this year, and that was probably just what we needed...

do you???

I have a question... Do you "do" New Years resolutions? No matter the answer I would like to know why you feel that way?

Personally, I don't call them resolutions but I do set goals for myself for the next year, and I keep track of how I did... I am in the process of reviewing my 2008 goals and setting goals for 2009... In discussing the idea with a couple online friends through email recently I got to wondering about this practice...

I discovered I have a few friends that are on either "extreme side" of the idea of yearly resolutions/goals... I was thinking before that a lot of my friends were more middle of the road on this topic, like me... making goals and trying to complete them, but not beating themselves up over unfinished ones... but now I wonder... it seems I was wrong, maybe... at least about the way most of the people I call friends think of goals.

I know that quite a few that read my blog only use email to share online, so feel free to let me know what you think, that way... I am really intersted in what you think, and why...

have yourself a merry little Christmas...

...ours will be spent celebrating with family, friends, and food like most peoples... perhaps a bit quieter than in some years past since hubby and I are neither of us 100%...

I pray that all travel safely, and enjoy the time they have to share...



May the Savior be not just included in your festivities... may He be central and an important part in each home and heart...

amazing grace...

At my father's funeral in the spring of 2007 there was a piper at the cemetery. He played Praise to the Man, Amazing Grace, and Oh My Father... among other hymns. When I saw the last scene from the movie Amazing Grace a few months after his passing, I burst into tears, simply from the memories that were evoked in my heart...

Music was one of the ways that my earthly father communed with and taught his children to commune with Heavenly Father. It was one of the things he shared with his children and it was one of the ways he comforted his own heart after my mom's ability to remember him left her, he loved the great old hymns and he really liked this one especially...

He also loved all things Scot... but especially the musical heritage of the pipes... I thinks his Scots ancestors reverberated in him the deepest... often that part of me... my Scots heritage... touches me very deeply too, and the haunting strains of a piper truly speak to me as it did to my father...

There are many youtube videos of this song being played by talented pipers... none of the renditions I have heard are more moving to me that the one from the last scene of the movie Amazing Grace, alas this embedded link to the scene



may no longer be available on youtube due to copyright issues, by the time this post is read... which I suppose is only fair... but really if you want to see a perfectly complied version of this song, just buy the movie and watch the last scene as often as you like... (it's scene #24, you can go right to that scene...) Why the production company never created a music video out of this scene, I don't know... but I can't find one anywhere to link to here... Personally, I believe that the movie Amazing Grace was one of the best films of 2007, and since that happened to be the year my parents both passed away, I consider that to be somewhat interesting...

Similarly, I can't say enough good about the film. I bought a copy the day it was released on video... I was brought up to love all men and women... some of my dearest friends have come from different nationalities and cultures, and the story of this fight to stop the trafficking of others brings tears to my heart... I have been similarly moved by stories of the Holocaust and other stories of oppression... I believe that our Father in Heaven wants us to be good to each other... he wants us to reach out and love and care for each other... and I think that the author of this song captured the feelings we all have that too often we fall short of that goal. It is then that we reach out to "Grace". Amazing... this grace that the Lord provides for us.

On this day... which would have been my daddy's 97th birthday I would like to dedicate the song Amazing Grace to him, for he lived with just such a faith in Grace and a willingness to reach out in love to those that he was able to come in contact with... He was a man of service and love to many... He had a faith with which he was able to "move mountains" and call upon "miracles" during his life... I am one of those small miracles... today I really miss his presence... and I am grateful that he taught me about my Savior's Grace...

I leave you today with one quote that I love from one of the men connected with that amazing movie I spoke of above...

“My prayer is that you will internalize the life of William Wilberforce and make a difference in your world, whoever and wherever you are.” ~ Ken Wales Producer of the movie Amazing Grace

more food for thought...

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.

~ George MacDonald; Scottish, Novelist

exercise!

Hubby got a trip to the mall yesterday to "power roll"... he was able to roll himself around for quite a while and managed to make it up 6 "ramps"...

His opportunity for upper body exercise has been limited to weights because we have had freezing rain in our area which made outside too cold even during the day and our house is too small for much movement by him in the WC. He really enjoyed his short trip out... He has been trying to stay busy, but the bloom is off the rose and he is bored when things get too quiet...

Next week is a follow up with the surgeon and he is hoping for a small increase in his range of motion even though we suspect that he still won't be allowed any weight on the right leg. Just being allowed to bend it a small amount would enable him to start doing a few more exercises... He really wants rehab to start.

All in all things are okay for him but my "doer" hubby really wants to be DOING something!

that smells just like...

...... my memory of...

I like candles, and other type of ways to make our home smell nice... I use them on a warmer, so as not to have a burning flame going... some of my favorite candles are the Christmas ones that remind me of pies or cookies baking... I have quite a few of those... Then there are the ones that remind me of my mother's home... smell of orange spice, lemon zest, and honeysuckle... Each of these candles have come out for a few days this holiday season as I revel in some of my family memories... unfortunately the potency of the candles are fading... Maybe next year we can get a few new ones...

I was thinking that yesterday afternoon I would feel up to baking a few cookies, just to get the house into that lovely cookies and cocoa mood... but the energy to do that alluded me... Then I thought... maybe hubby could help if we brought the mixer and all the ingredients to the dining room table??? Now there was a great idea... success!

Definitely one of the nicest parts about the holidays for me is the memories that are triggered by certain foods and the pleasant smells that this time of year brings... So this morning we have treats for visitors and are inviting all to come on over for a cookie and a mug of cocoa or herb tea... It's on US!

Michael tagged me for this:

RULES:

1. Go to your pictures
2. Go to the 4th file & upload the 4th picture
3. Post & tell about the picture
4. Tag 4 friends

So here is what I have to share:



This is a picture of the view standing outside the Arizona Tucson Mission Home. (Just at the driveway where our car was parked.) This was taken just after breakfast with the Mission President and his family. We had taken a tour of Son1's mission as a family that year for our family Christmas gift, and this was our last day of that trip. I can hardly believe that was 2 years ago... in fact 2 years ago yesterday our son was arriving home at the airport after 25 months of faithful service in the Lord's work. What a great trip that was, we had so much fun as a family... I find it interesting that this was actually the last picture I took on that trip, but because of the naming rule I use for my pictures, which includes the date, [year/month/day/subject] it ends up being the 4th picture in that 4th file.

I tag: Lady Ozma, Beefche, Melinda and Nikki :) [Let's hope they read this]

we are maintaining...

but that is about it... Between the anemia (which is better than it was, and improving slowly again...) along with the other "regular" issues of my disease I struggle every day, just to get through the basics. Hubby is doing well physically and will be more than ready for rehab when the time comes, probably another 3-4 weeks on that though. He was in amazing health before the accident (considering he is not a young spring rooster any more...) and is becoming very proficient at taking care of some of his needs without much help at all... With Son2's help we even made it to most of church yesterday, and that really was a lift he appreciated.

A few friends have expressed concern that I try so hard to stay "upbeat"... The truth is that my desire to keep private most of my personal struggles is selfish... for instance... right now I don't even share many of the details I face with small groups, in private... because frankly the energy that is required in order to accurately share is too high... and I simply don't have the energy reserves to do that. It is easier to just be quiet... There are people that know the day to day struggle... Our children... visiting teachers... home teachers... the Bishop... and a few very close family members... we are not living in a vacuum, but I have to be very careful to reserve energy, and many who want to help end up causing more energy drains for me... just in trying to reassure them. I know that sounds ungrateful, but it is a truism.

The second reason I work so hard at staying upbeat is that after long years of dealing with a debilitating disease I have learned that the opposite is a recipe for disaster, at least for me. I have not dealt with depression in years, not since I started to refuse to wallow in fear and self-pity. Perhaps that is a simplistic view... but it works for me. I stay as busy as I can doing non-energy draining things most of the time... And, I carefully pace myself through the day... That is what it takes to stay fairly independent... I gave up guilt about all the things I can't do, a long time ago... and I stubbornly hang on to what I CAN still do... until a new challenge has to be faced.

I admit, this new challenge of ours has been a hard one, but it is not insurmountable... it is a tall mountain we must climb and we are getting lots of help climbing it... but WE have to actually climb it... we cannot allow others to climb it for us, and part of that climb is staying positive about one very important fact... Heaven Father knows what we are able to bear... He is in charge and will give us the strength we need... we lean on Him, and He encourages us to stay positive. He also reminds me daily that He can turn this into something that is for our good... I hang on to that, though I know that I may not see the result in this life.

Sure everyone hits lows now and then, and I have had blue moments and discouraging hours... but not days... I find that answers are generally right around the corner when the blues happen for me... I do not fear the corners... even though sometimes I don't understand all the detours we have to take.

Not sure this makes any sense, at all... But I do thank all my friends and family for concern and prayers. For the many acts of kindness and for the service to our family at this difficult time. This post is an effort to relieve the minds and hearts of those that worry for us... We are being held in the Lord's palm... and are content to let Him lead right now...

Christmas movies in a box...

Seasonal favorites galore to watch... These are are a few of my suggestions for true classics in case anyone missed them...

The Bishop's Wife [1947]

Blossoms in the Dust [1941]

Holiday Affair [1949]

Holiday Inn [1942]

Miracle On 34th Street (1947)

Boys' Town [1938]

Christmas in Connecticut [1945]

Note: there are sooooo many more than this that I have seen and liked enough to buy... my collection of "classics" is extensive, and holiday classics are a specific draw...many of the ones I like the best are not well known at all...

more anemia...

...warning, if you are a male family friend reading this, you may not really care to know the info below, even though I tried very hard to be as circumspect as I could... this may be TMI...

I guess I really should have suspected a few days ago when I started feeling really puny again that I would soon be dealing with more female stuff... The PMS is less noticeable the older I get, but the actual effects of continued female cycles is really becoming a serious concern for me. My doctors had planned to complete the hysterectomy I need in late December or early January. That schedule has to be postponed until hubby is more well, because I will be unable to do much for either of us if I am recovering from surgery, and he is unable to fetch and carry. Unfortunately the reality is that each time I go through this (about every 4-5 weeks) the anemia becomes very severe again and I spend the weeks between these cycles trying to rebuild my strength. I don't think I completely got back to ground zero after the last time... and I used so much energy in November on the trip to the in-laws and then hubby's accident, that right now I have no reserves at all...

Heavenly Father gave me great blessings to do what I needed to do during hubby's crisis, but right now I am actually worried by how puny I feel... I can barely stand up. My labs would no doubt indicate that I need a transfusion, but for someone with my health concerns... foreign blood cells carry their own challenges... My body rejects my own tissues... so adding unfamiliar blood to my system might be the worse thing for me... hence the reason I have not already had a transfusion. I have been praying for understanding and help in deciding what to do... but I don't recognize any answers... I feel like I am standing in front of a wall with no doors in it...

Like the critters in "Over the Hedge", I wish I could give this wall a name so that it was not so intimidating... but trying to make light of my health lately is not working... I have tried to keep my sense of humor over the years... but this morning that ability has left me... it's all I can do to just combat the symptoms of the anemia...

I may change my mind later about publishing this journal entry... but for now I'll be honest that I just do not have any idea where to go from here...

simpler times......

Within the last few days (I don't really remember which day...) I saw the movie Spencer's Mountain again... About once a year I borrow it from our library... it's one of the movies that reminds me of the kind of family I came from...

My birth family was large (8 children)... my mother was amazingly creative in her ability to see to all our needs... we had little, but I never felt poor... my father was very caring and loved to have his children under foot, to see them happy... and it was also very obvious to all of us kids that he loved our mother very very much, and that momma loved him in the same way, but like the mother in the story referenced here, would whisper that daddy should not be "frisky", because some child was always around... One of the main differences to note was that both my parents were strong in their LDS faith... There was no drinking or gambling in, or out of our home by my daddy... but daddy WAS a wonderful story teller and he loved to have fun... and he had dreams... most of which he never realized in his lifetime... I suppose he could have thought himself to be a failure, but by the time he had finished his life, he knew he was a successful father, and no worldly accolades could match that success... just like the father in the movie, he saw some of his children attend college (and in daddy's case graduate)... my own father was able to know about his many grands that graduated from colleges and universities, some quite prestigiously...

One of the things that I am always impressed with in many old movies (and it's a big reason I like old movies) is that there is a sense of faith that people had... that faith is present and considered a positive thing in all walks of people... Also extended families were connected in a more tangible way than they are now... In this movie especially children are presented of as a blessing and one of the things that enrich our lives... I like how the generations help and bless each other... the children of each family care for those that are older, and younger... the whole family attended to life's challenges together...

The stories (both movies and books) I love are of a simpler time when faith and love for one's family were virtues to be cherished and sought... When I really enjoy a newer movie these days it is because the focus is on the good in people, or the world, or on faith and family... our times are not simple now... but is that because we insist on making it complicated...??? What really matters has not changed... love, family, joy, and faith, hope, charity... these are all virtue that matter... I am thinking that it's time for the simple to become my focus... I know I am not alone in thinking that our current generations needs to rethink why they chase so many dreams, not just the ones that are important...

That is one of the things that Christmas is really about, isn't it??? Don't we feel the joy of the season best when we keep it simple???

Christmas will be GLORIOUS this year...

Because of our current challenge of hubby being off work for the next few months we have to be very careful with money during this Christmas Season... not that we are huge seasonal consumers during these months any year... but now especially we have to say no to wants and not spend for anything that is not absolutely necessary... this is so that we do not become a burden to anyone else... If we are really careful, I believe we can make it through this additional financial crisis without destroying our budget... unfortunately my health issues have already strained our budget quite a bit this year. But we will survive this... we pay an honest tithing and generous fast offering... we have followed council to avoid unnecessary debt... somehow the Lord will help us work this out.

Some people I have spoken to have bemoaned that fact that this challenge will put a damper on our holiday... but I disagree... Over the last few days hubby and I have been talking about Christmas, and now best to celebrate with our family... Family for us is a much broader term than it is with many people... But we will give more from the heart and less from our pocketbooks this year... and we normally gift shop through the year and so we have most of what we had planned to give away already purchased, where that was important. We will fill in with a few homemade gifts and some IOUs for later, on one or two things that we had been wanting to still do for our children...

Because hubby is allergic to pine spores we never have real trees so we already have our pretty tree and more decoration than we could possibly ever use... In fact I have been trying to give some away over the last few years but was finding it hard to give away things that have memories attached Christmas... still, I AM going to do a LOT more of that, this year... I will be gifting/sending these as my token of love to my friends and extended loved ones, with a note regarding the story behind the ornament, or decoration... (if you are a friend and reading this... try to act surprised when you open yours... [wink~wink])

We are going to concentrate on "making some joyful noises"... playing games we already have... doing things together when family members are here with us... and feeling gratitude for the Savior in even MORE deeper ways than we knew just a few short weeks ago.

One of the things that we are going to focus on this year even more is the knowledge that life is a wonderful gift from Father in Heaven... As hubby and I watched a loaned to us copy of Prince Caspian last night together, we were wrapped up in the story and cuddled together on our bed... holding hands as we like to do and then suddenly I was crying because I was so glad to be able to hold on to him... to know he was still here with me... Very little that we as humans work so hard to try and gain in this world meant much to me at that moment... even a house is simply a place to be warm, a place to feel loved and safe in... It does not need to be fancy... just clean and hopefully in good repair... that is something we have been working on and will continue to focus more on over the next year, more order and less stuff to clutter our hearts.

We want to focus on service too... remembering how much every single act of kindness and help we have been given has meant to us over the last couple weeks especially... We have been so blessed by small acts of loving service... cleaning, small home repairs, help moving furniture around to accommodate a wheelchair with a pair of legs extended (a man of 6'3" has very LONG legs) and a few meals brought in for us so that my energy could be spent taking care of hubby... each act of service is huge to us at this moment... and I want to remember that when I get to be on the other side of this gift again... Even an email message of love and prayers is so appreciated... no act of support is little, really...

I won't kid anyone... It takes almost all my energy every day just to take care of both of us... just doing the necessities... but I am so very grateful that hubby's injuries were not more serious than they are... and that eventually he will fully recover... that I will cheerfully do all I can to help him through this now and we will find what joy we can in this challenge... I don't say I will try to do it alone, or that I don't feel tired every day. We are accepting much physical help where it is offered... but our personal needs so far we are more comfortable with myself or our older son doing for hubby, if I can't...

So now my musings circle back to the Christmas Season and the reason for our celebration... Our Savior has given us so much... we have our family and good friends, we have the gospel and a forever perspective of life... so this year Christmas will be more special than ever, because we have been given gifts of love and life... In the last year we added a daughter-in-law and son-in-law and we love them so very much... and we are glad they will be part of our celebrations...

pollyism 444:

we can be so very glad that awful week is over...

We are doing better this week... Still feeling the effect of 2 surgeries over two days to repair all the damage (a total of more than 7 hours and multiple tendon/ligament graphs...) But, he is healing now... though more slowly than he would like... The normal rehab you would expect after knee injuries had to be postponed because we discovered over the weekend after the post surgery Xrays were taken that his right knee hemorrhaged so severely through fractures from the center of the kneecap that this ends up being a much different healing process than straight knee repair/replacement... His injuries seem to indicate that the right knee was kind of "smashed" during the impact as well... but there was not actually a loss of bone structure, just multiple fractures... this too is better than it could have been in such an impact... and again a miraculous lack of damage... I have said many time, over the last week, that we will gratefully accept the many miracles we were given, and I will keep saying it!

Anyway... the best news is that Monday I was able to bring hubby home with equipment (a double raised leg wheelchair, transfer aids, etc) and home care nursing orders for anything family cannot do for him. Now his job is to heal for about 3-6 more weeks... Until a certain level of healing takes place he cannot put any weight on the right leg. He can fortunately put weight on the left leg for pivot transfers into the chair, and does quite well with that process... Our house is actually pretty well set up for his needs and home was the best place to bring him, since he could not start rehab... here he is resting better than in any other place and I can get the much needed rest I need after the last week+...

We are still sorting out all the insurance stuff... as he will be off work for at least 3 months, worse case is probably 6... He is already starting to go a little stir crazy, so we are working on finding things for him to do to keep busy... for now the pain meds and healing process both force him to sleep more than he would normally... (to tell you the truth, his knees look like road maps from all the initial injuries and repair surgeries... but he is not in a lot of pain, he is down to Percocet every few hours...) As you could see in the picture... he has braces on both legs... is not allowed to even bend the right knee and the left is limited to 30 degrees of motion... also, no exercising until more healing takes place... he will need to learn to "walk" again, and will be dealing with muscle and other soft tissue atrophy by the time he can exercise the legs... right now he is limited to butt-tucks and toe/calf pulls to stretch his achilles tendons... despite how hard and long his rehab will be we continue to be exceptionally grateful for the Lord's blessings... he is still here with us and we feel blessed that all his injuries are recoverable... we know this could have been so much worse... We've been through tough times before and we will make it through this, and we will be stronger for it, I am sure... Not a lesson we wanted, but one I guess we can use...

The kids have all been great and we are managing pretty well considering... Our support system from the ward is wonderful... We are at the "this too shall pass" stage... not a bad place to be, while you wait on one part of a healing process... ~PA

adrenaline crash...

For days I ran on adrenaline... that is over... I am now stuck far from home and exhausted... We have felt all the prayers said for us... Still we have a very long road ahead... I hope I find some energy somewhere... Right now I just feel unplugged...

one last marriage quote this month...

A marriage is a gift. It should be opened up and enjoyed.

~ Greg Evans; American Writer

making terrific progress

Two surgeries and several days from the accident we have much to be grateful for on this Friday after Thanksgiving...

Hubby is becoming an impatient patient, which is not the worse thing in the world... He is now transferring from the bed to the wheelchair for mobility and using the walker to stablize himself... he will be going to the rehab on Monday (this is updated info on Nov 29th...) no change on location due to the inability to authorize insurance information for rehab... so we can't start that process till then... He is been limited beyond his wishes by these injuries... would like to start moving through this process a LOT faster... but I have no doubt that he will plow through whatever they will allow, ASAP...

What has not changed is that he is doing better all the time and we appreciate ALL the prayers and love sent our way...

another marriage quote...

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.

~ Barbara De Angelis; American Expert on Relationship & Love, Author

playing the game in earnest...

my gratitude list is HUGE this morning... First and foremost I am grateful for the mercy of the Lord in protecting hubby through this accident. Accordingly we understand the many miracles that have already touched us in the last 36 hours... I am so grateful for my children's help and for the out pouring of love and support we have recieved. thanks to everyone that have messaged our family. I am so grateful for ways to stay connected in a hospital environment, which can be a real challenge. between my kindle and cell phone we have been able to get help requests and info in and out. right now sleep for hubby while waiting for surgery is the order of the day... I am holding my own... again, thanks to everyone... especially family, friends and hubby's work associates that have picked up the pieces that we can't...

very very blessed...

no internal injuries, and no concussion. he is scheduled for double knee surgery to repair damage to several tendons. some fractures and road rash, overall so much better than it could have been. he's had a blessing and is resting pretty comfortably now.

waiting after an accident...

Hubby was in an accident this morning on his scooter coming home from work. Serious but not life threatening, he was life-flighted to a Phoenix Hospital... he is in better shape than we have any reason to have hoped for... All prayers are appreciated.

back to the basics of gratitude and faith...

The trip to see hubby's parents took a lot more out of me than even I was anticipating... and my current health issue associated with being female, over 50 and having a body out of whack is rearing it's ugly head again... those things set me up for already feeling less able to handle outside stresses... so last week when we learned that Sir Knight is among the many in our state facing new job losses, it hit me harder than it might if I was feeling better physically... As a new employee still in his probation period he was bound to be cut no matter what... and they as a family were certainly were not alone in their loss... we have heard that over 700 people have already been cut in that company alone in about one week, which is going to hit that small town area's economy VERY hard... and there will probably be more cuts... So Princess Bride and Sir Knight are scrambling to adjust and are "retrenching" as they say... A new game plan is in the works for them... I am really pleased with how they are handling themselves with faith and fortitude... They have sought the Lord in all their plans.

Despite that news... I am even more convinced that the already funded bailout that the government continues to mishandle... and new ones that they are being asked for are WRONG and very BAD ideas for our country... mostly I believe in the long run it will make this all worse... that these crisis will last longer and cost more... When your boat is sinking you don't bail water IN to save yourself...

Anyway there didn't seem to be much but bad news to share even within my own life... and so I have avoided writing... then last night during family prayer as hubby was vocalizing our shared thoughts [through what I thought was amazing levels of inspiration... since we had not talked about these things before prayer...] I was impressed to look outside our family's challenges at the challenges of others... people just barely in my circle... and I was reminded how blessed we are... We are feeling the effects of the economy like everyone else, and we have some challenges others do not face... but we are not unable to meet our obligations and we are able to show love as a family in a very positive and hands on way right now, amd within our family circle we are not plagued with some of the family bitterness from hubby's parents that we have had in past years... that is something of a miracle actually... no matter how personally challenging our current lot of troubles are... we have much love within our family and many blessings others do not enjoy...

As a family I am encouraging everyone that hears me as a matriarch to buckle themselves more solidly back into the basics... to see all that we ARE already blessed with and to stay positive and reach deep for that faith we all need to keep at the ready right now... As we pray together and for each other we are united and more able to help each other with the challenges we do face...

I am especially grateful for hubby this morning as he actively leads our family in righteousness... through his own life and example he consistantly shows his faithful trust in the Lord... I am reminded of all the things I saw in him more that 25 years ago when we first met and of all the times he has sought the Lord to lead us over those many years, all the hard but right choices we have made together. The Lord is constantly blessing our family for hubby's faith and willingness to never wallow in fear and doubt... I must never forget that... As hubby reminded me last evening... the Lord is more than in charge, He actively blesses all and that we will recognize that if we will see through whatever "fog" we are personally facing...

more wise words on marriage...

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

~Anonymous

loving the unlovable...

I've been thinking about this idea since our church meetings this last Sunday. There were a couple of comments that were made in Relief Society that started me thinking about this idea.

I know that there are some people that are "less lovable" at times of their lives... but I started wondering... are there people that are and stay "unlovable" for always? A few sisters in my ward seem to think so... Maybe I just have not met anyone that difficult to love... but I always thought that everyone had some sort of lovable attribute... at the very least one, and usually several...

I have known teens that made it really hard to love them... I have siblings that have attributes that are difficult for me to connect with, and I've had times during my life when I didn't get along with my parents and in-laws... I also recognize that there are many people in my ward, stake and extended community that I don't have much in common with and that I don't particularly care for even... but they appear to have friends and are lovable to some other people... so I never thought of them as unlovable... but Sunday last, 2 different people mentioned that they knew completely "unlovable individuals"... people that had no apparent friends, and were so caustic around others that they seemed to have no one that even wanted to communicate with them, and that they felt some less lovable people can become unlovable by not trying to be more likable to those around them...

This was honestly one of the most depressing thoughts I have ever heard of. I started wondering... isn't loving others a choice in many instances of our lives? Isn't it better, at the very least, to tolerate with patience and love those we view as less lovable, rather than risk being considered not worth the effort to love by our Savior, when it comes to loving the parts He finds less lovable about us?

These thoughts and concepts have been on my mind a lot the last few days... and I am working through my own personal struggle with this... and especially as it effect my husband and children... trying harder to accept and even learn to love what is less lovable about those in my circle of life and love... I am not completely sure how this will turn out, but the effort feels essential to MY salvation... I really do not see it as important to those who may I view, as having less lovable attributes, some days... I need to learn to love the way the Lord loves me... warts and all...

wise words on marriage...

A happy marriage perhaps represents the ideal of human relationship -- a setting in which each partner, while acknowledging the need of the other, feels free to be what he or she by nature is: a relationship in which instinct as well as intellect can find expression; in which giving and taking are equal; in which each accepts the other, and I confronts Thou.

~Anthony Storr; British Psychiatrist

a movie review... kind of...

While we were traveling we saw the movie "Fireproof"... I really liked it... but more importantly I liked the idea of a "Love Dare" effort to show love to your spouse... BUT, I think this idea should be done even before your marriage is in trouble... Personally, I suspect that most of us should practice this idea on a rotating basis regularly... because all marriages certainly benefit from the practice of investing more into the relationship.

While I don't need to purchase a book to follow this plan... I did decide to make up a schedule of my own... complete with daily plans and scriptures that will help me focus on hubby and his needs... currently I am working on this week I will add to it and repeat them, after I get the 6 week base. I however decided to put my reminders into a "calendar" on my iGoogle so that every day I get the reminder first thing in the morning. Another minor change in my focus is that I am following a 6 week plan instead of 40 days (which is 5.7+ weeks)... I understand the 40 day idea, as in... "Christ's 40 day fast"... I recognize that missionary work in my ward and stake has also benefited from such a 40 day focus, and that biblical reference shows that there is a legitimate reason to use such a time frame... For most people 40 days is probably an ideal time... but for me "exactly 6 weeks" is key to successful changes in my life patterns, for some reason I need 42 days... I think some people's hard wiring may a bit different, or slower... and at least for me that is true...

So what ever works for you I say... do that... [OH... and if you have NOT seen this movie, see it... at least when it comes out on DVD... it is well done, positive and not nearly as preachy as I expected it to be... I give it 3 1/2 stars out of 5...]

holding hands...

I really like Laura Brotherson. Her writings make sense to me... The "linked to article" I have included here is a good example. Her book "And They Were Not Ashamed:" is another good example. I am hardly the expert she is on relationships... and I am not really going to focus on the two topics I linked to here... With my post today I have decided to focus on one that to me is just as important as the definition of marriage, or marital fidelity and intimacy because I believe that daily, loving expressions of selflessness are the backbone of my very happy/good marriage...

During our "love month", I want to comment on the need for daily physical connections in marriage, and especially appropriate public displays of affection. One of the things that hubby and I enjoy is a strong physical connection all the time... but I am not a huge fan of "embarrassing levels" of physical contact in public.

Because we love so deeply though, holding hands has become very much a part of our public lives, because it is important to us that we "connect" physically... a lot. If you are married and you have NOT held hands for a while, I encourage you to take advantage of the simple gift of touch. Holding hands can be a very powerful expression of love. Hubby has taught me that we can express to each other nearly as much love in the simple act of holding hands as we can in more intimate moments. No one else is aware of how profoundly personal our hand holding moments "can" be, and I admit that most of the time we are just holding hands... but hubby and I are aware of just how much is communicated in a simple act of reaching out, when there IS something that needs or wants saying.

For many... "holding hands" is too simple, too public, or possibly even too corny... How sad I think those attitudes are. Holding hands in my opinion is a great way to LEARN better communication skills. In our "anything goes" society of physical expression... holding hands is a good way to learn how to communicate in a publicly appropriate way... without embarrassing the rest of the world... And honestly we have learned to say a LOT within those simple touches of public fingertips...

Of course eye contact has also been a big part of our public touch, very often... but after a while we have gotten to where we do not need to see the other person's eyes. In a darkened movie theater or in a car with the driver keeping his/her eyes on the road... we can still communicate volumes of words with a simple touch of hands. After 25 years practicing these hand holding skills we can say, "I'm sorry", "I hurt with you", or "I am scared" (not to mention other things...) without any other communication efforts coming into play. That is a pretty good thing to be able to do, if you ask me...

So, if you aren't taking advantage of hand holding currently in your marriage... or if you are recently engaged... I invite you to try holding hands... Then see just how good you can get at this art of communication....

there's no place like home...

It didn't take ruby slippers to convince me of this truth... but just like Dorothy I am glad to be able to make it home... We got home a couple days earlier than expected from my in-laws, rolling in last evening just after dark...

Things are in place to help hubby's parents with what needs to happen in their care over the next weeks and months as their abilities diminish, which happens in every life. In addition to helping get a few legal issue set in stone, there were a few pieces of jewelry that MIL wanted her grandchildren's families to have, and she gave those to me to bring back... but mostly there was POA paperwork that needed updating, planned decisions that were discussed and agreed upon... and something of a surprise that things went smoother than we could have anticipated... so we headed home before we figured to as well.

It's good to have slept in my own bed after a week on the road... There really IS... "NO place like HOME..."

dedication...

Sonnet XII by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Indeed this very love which is my boast,
And which, when rising up from breast to brow,
Doth crown me with ruby large enow
To draw men's eyes and prove the inner cost,--
This love even, all my worth, to the uttermost,
I should not love withal, unless that thou
Hadst set me an example, shown me how,
When first thine earnest eyes with mine were crossed,
And love called love. And thus, I cannot speak
Of love even, as good thing of my own:
Thy soul hath snatched up mine all faint and weak,
And placed it by thee on a golden throne,--
And that I love (O soul, we must be meek--)
Is by thee only, whom I love alone.

Twenty-Five wonderful years...

~ Wedding Day to Silver Anniversary Day.~
Honestly every day... just keeps getting better!

"Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be... ... ...
Every now then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am... ... ...
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you... ... ...
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better, there's nothing that I just wouldn't do... ... ...
... ... ...A total eclipse of the heart.!"

Happy Anniversary.

Love you.

Marriage Needs Champions...

On this day when so many in our country are voting about the definition of marriage, (which BTW, I believe is correctly defined by the Lord as a man and a woman...) I feel a need to make a statement about how important championing marriage is to our happiness... Not the least of which, is the responsibility I have in my own life to do all I can to make my marriage the BEST it can be... It's actually interesting to me these days in that I don't remember life without hubby... Honestly, I know it sounds like a cliche... but I believe I was just a partial person until I found him when I was 25... he completes my heart...

One of the reasons that we try so hard to talk/listen, is so that we do not lose that gift of completion... In my faith we believe that death cannot take that gift away... but I fear that while on earth sometimes we throw the gift of covenanted, eternal love away... The most committed of husbands and wives often start thinking like each other so it can feel like you don't really need to explain what you mean... but I think that is a mistake... it is STILL important to say, but even MORE important to HEAR what the other person is saying, and maybe especially when you start to think alike... We need to do this listening without interruptions and without second guessing... Effective communication is actually very difficult sometimes.

We have tried to teach our children how to effectively communicate by having similar conversations with them... but with children too, it's not easy to listen, or sometimes to get them to listen when it is important... especially when you don't agree... Hubby grew up in a home where good communication did not exist, in fact almost all true communication was discouraged... so he had to learn how to express his thoughts, and listen with an open mind... he did most of his "personal communication work" in learning many of these lessons before I met him... but these lessons are of course lifetime goals and improvements that we must all keep working at... One thing he did NOT want to do was to raise children with the same issues... so he has really tried to teach them good communication skills, and he is a great listener.

I grew up in a home that was good about talking... but less good about listening... so I have needed to become a much better listener as his wife and as a mother... and to this day I am not nearly as good as I want to be at listening... I know that I just need to stop voicing MY thoughts. I get new lessons in this all the time... I am trying to be open to them. I truly am trying... I do so much better with hubby, probably because I agree with a lot of the things he is saying, and it sounds just a bit "silly sophomorish" but I still think he is "dreamy", I just like to hear his voice...

Keeping marriage young and exciting is a worthy goal... I encourage all married couples to keep working at it... Champion your own marriage if you are married and if you aren't encourage someone that is married to have a better partnership with their spouse and show a greater measure of love and devotion... I believe that in doing for your spouse that which is the thing that is most important to them, that we learn to love more abundantly... I believe in this principle of service that can help you to keep yourself and your spouse working at and championing marriage... by doing things for and with hubby that he likes... never giving up... working together, praying and playing together FOREVER, I believe I will succeed at my goals, and I believe you can succeed too...

on the road again...

While you are reading this entry on the day that it posts I have been away from home for a couple days... Hubby and I left Son2 at home, taking care of the dog and the house... packed up his wonderfully comfortable vehicle for a long drive (the picture below is more how we SEE ourselves traveling not reality...) and we hit the road like a couple of vagabonds... As I mentioned the plan a few days ago, we have gone to Texas to his parents... and we will see what we can do about getting their living situation more "stabilized".
The one really positive thing about this difficult trip??? Hours alone in a car... talking and laughing with hubby... we love being together so much we will actually even take boring road trips as a gift...!!! (Just not the swollen ankles and the swore hips from sitting so much, as a blessing...) [wink] But we don't have any toddlers anymore asking us "how much farther..." so it's all good... as the younger generation says... right?

Love song for my hubby... Fly Me to the Moon...

I'll just bet that YOU did not know that November was the month of love, huh? Well it is...... no... a lot of people think that, but February is just a love-month-wanna-be. November is the month in which we got married and so every year it becomes the month of love and we spend the whole month remembering, and reminding each other of all the great times together... Anyone following this blog who is squeamish about this topic, might want to just stay away till next month... (actually 2008 has been a sort of longer version of our yearly reminders in the month of November, as we have been jointly celebrating all year long, our 25th anniversary...)

With that in mind... I grew up having an appreciation for Frank Sinatra's voice and schmaltz... But I especially learned to love the style and flare of the golden oldie songs of yore, through his music, not just his voice and songs... My mom liked his voice and she had more than one of his records... I remembered listening to beautiful love songs as a young girl, and hoping someday to have someone feel about me the way those songs sung about, and now I have someone that treats me like I always wanted to be treated... Like his world... So with that in mind I want to dedicate this video to hubby... (the Bellagio Fountains aren't half bad either...)

I want to tell him that I love him, and that I appreciate him... more today than yesterday and a TON more yesterday than 25 years ago... and also to tell him that I know I will love him and appreciate him forever and through into eternity, because when I am with him I am just so stinking happy that "I" want to sing my little heart out....! How's that for schmaltz?

*FWIW, I am not that great a singer... be glad I am letting Frankie do the singing...*

water... a blessing...

For me this day every year is not a great day... I personally do not care for the holiday that most people celebrate today... and so I thought I would write about something I CAN celebrate...

WATER...

I mean, just think about it... that refreshing wonder-fluid that can make you feel like you just hit the mother load on a hot day in a place like AZ... OK, maybe I am weird... but I really do love water... and it's not really everywhere... So I suppose it could be said that it is because I live in a place that sees little of it falling from the skies normally, that I love it so much...??? (Though this year we had a good deal, for us...) I guess it doesn't really matter... but it's just that I like the sight, sound, feel, taste and the smell of water... and I thought I would mention it...

Truly one of the great blessings of our beautiful world...

more food for thought...

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing." ~Marsha Doble

[I "borrowed" this quote from a friend's blog, a while back...]

packing...

I really don't like packing... I always forget things... The lists of what to take gets longer and longer every day... [giggle] I used to blame the kids for all the stuff we took on trips, but I have discovered that hubby and I are just as bad when it comes to the things we seem to need when we are traveling. (No wonder I am a homebody...)

And before you can even get the packing done, the laundry has to be caught up... oh and I can't leave the house a mess, so there is extra housework to do, right...??? It's just not as easy as it sounds when you start planning a road trip or vacation... This is why I think I have come to dislike packing.

I am accepting volunteers for the job... the pay is lousy... but I will share this week's soups... [wink]

definition: to kindle

I do not like sounding like a commercial, so ignore that aspect of this post... because sometimes there is a good reason to share a product or service you have discovered and delight in...

For our anniversary, hubby got me a "kindle", which is an ebook reader... but it is not just any reader... it is a wonderfully unique reader, as it also plays my audio books and I can once again read almost all my PDA files (scriptures, lesson manuals, church magazines, the numerous Ensign articles... and the hundreds of ebooks written by LDS authors that I have purchased and saved to my electronic library on my computer over the years...) and it has a very basic web browser that works well with text page loads, so that I can read Conference talks right off the church website even. It is pretty darn cool...

In reality, this tool it's also for my birthday, Christmas, and just about any other gift giving event that will happen over the next months, because it was terribly expense... However I rationalize that this reader is a tool, in that it replaces my PDA, (actually the second PDA in about 10 years,) and which I have been using for 5+ years... we lovingly have called these PDAs *my brain*, [wink] A new reader was something we have been looking at for a while for me... and is a *valid want*, because first and foremost my previous dear old brain tool was dying pretty quickly...

Over the last year the way I have been using my PDA has changed (since I am not working now...) and my vision needed a larger and better reading screen... so this gift meets my needs in a very efficient way. I very much appreciate it, and I was very excited when I opened it... The timing of my gift is not an accident... it came now so that I will be able to read on the road, and together we can listen to audio book files while we are on our trip next week. Also while hubby is otherwise occupied with his brother, and getting his parents' living situation resolved, doing things I cannot help much with... I can follow the blogs and news of the day that I choose, without worrying about a wi-fi connection for the laptop. This new tool really is an interesting piece of technology... I am impressed so far (albeit less than 24 hrs later). In fact I can even post short updates to this blog, if I choose... though I do not think that will happen much... typing more than 15 words on it would be more cumbersome than I like... but there is the possibility... Honestly, just staying informed in the lives of my friends is the point of my interest, and it meets that goal beautifully.

Another thing I have been thinking about since opening my gift yesterday afternoon, are the many definitions for the verb used as a name for this tool... I mean that is really interesting to me:

to build or fuel, excite, incite, start a fire, cause to glow, light up (and those are just a few...)

...according to the website the choice of names was not carelessly made, and while I am sure the reasons are not altogether altruistic, I always think it is good when learning and technology meet, and selfish person that I am... create a good vehicle for my personal learning... and... I keep going back to the information that I can once again access all those great files that my PDA was struggling to display for me... again... wooohooo... my joy is certainly *kindled* in that reality... ~pa

speaking of soups...

A friend whose blog I read regularly (see World of Washburns on the side links) mentioned soups in her blog the other day. Hubby and I love soups... so it has officially become soup season in this neighborhood too.

This week we will be having Chicken Pot Pie Soup, Chicken and Green Chile Soup With Tamale Dumplings, Beef Stew, and Texas Chili... I won't include recipes but if anyone wants to join us, I would be happy to share links for the one that is not my creation and recipes for the ones that are. Leftovers for soups are self correcting if one has a bit of freezer space and make great lunches for hubby, so they really fit our lifestyle...

Don't you just love a crock pot during the fall...?

the big picture...

Sometimes I wonder how I get where I get...

Sometimes I feel like am stuck in the eye of a hurricane and I don't know which path gets me through the storm... Right now the world around me is out of control... so many people around me are worried about the economy... but I just don't have the energy for that... I am glad we are not in such terrible financial straits as some of our friends... because I feel like we have bigger things to worry about.

Sometimes I read some journal entries from a few years ago, and remember when my kids had little kid problems... when hubby was in school and everyone was in grade, middle, or high school. Those problems seemed tough, I remember feeling like I do now... then too... but compared to adult issues those problems now, look so simple... I guess most things do in hindsight.

I often need to regroup and find my center... I need to remember how far we have come... Life's gotten a bit crazy and scary in the face of adult children choices and aging parents, personal health issues... add to that other family concerns that have to be dealt with... sometimes I just need to remember that we have already come through a lot of tough times successfully... and with the Lord's help we will come through these days too.

The next couple of weeks will be a challenge in several ways, but the biggest one is one that we have known would come... we just are sorry the time has actually arrived... Hubby and I need to work out (with his brother and SIL's help) some new living conditions for his parents. It's not going to be easy to get his dad to agree to give up their independence in a city far from all of us... They live in central Texas, hours from any family at all... But somehow we have to manage, because health issues are critical for both my in-laws.

In light of that we will be making a trip in a few days to meet his brother and force this issue. It is something we have all dreaded... but it can be avoided no longer. This morning as I read some emails from BIL and some of the extended living facilities that he contacted I just felt so sad for my FIL. MIL has severe memory issues like my own mother did... (although MIL's are related to damage from years as an alcoholic... while momma's were mostly because of medication induced mini-strokes.) FIL has such severe emphysema that he can no longer stand and get enough air even with his oxygen assistance. We are unsure as to how this will all play out... we have a few ideas and plans that could work... and now we just have to follow through.

let go and let God...

This is an except from my journal ~ Nov 20th 2006; I looked it up, because I really needed the reminder today, almost 2 years later......

It was published in Son1's Mission Newsletter which his Mission President forwarded to all the families of currently serving missionaries as well... All those many months ago I wrote the following:

Since this may be one of our last newsletters... I just wanted to mention how much my heart was touched by this month's newsletter... Pres H talked about aligning our will with that of the Lord's... and included the following poem...

Let Go and Let God

Just as a child brings his broken
toys in tears for me to mend
I took my broken dreams to God
because He was my friend
I did not go and leave Him then in
peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help in
ways that were my own.
At last I grabbed them back and
said, "how can you be so slow?"
My child He said, "what could I do
you never did let go!"

Anonymous

seeing an elephant fly...

...and other supposedly impossible feats.

A while ago, I started thinking about and making sure I had documented for my posterity all the miracles I have seen in my lifetime. I am not referring to event that that happen to others that you hear about... events which often take on "faith promoting rumor" status... I mean real events that I have actually witnessed for myself. Events that have happened in not only my own life, but that of my immediate family.

I will not enumerate those events here, for to do so in such an open way would in my opinion somehow negate the true sacredness of miracles... But I have written them in my journals over the years, and I have been recalling them and remembering how I felt at the time.

I am praying for a couple of new miracles in the life of my family and myself. Both are connected to physical and spiritual needs of myself and those I love... and at this point in time both seem nearly as impossible to me as seeing an elephant fly... but, I do and will continue to pray for intervention because I have faith in My Savior and in My Father to bless me and those I love... I know that; "...with men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matt. 19:26." I have recently re-read a talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Shall He Find Faith on the Earth?,” Ensign, Nov 2002, pg 82... in which another encouraging scripture is quoted:

JOHN 14:12 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do......

do you like family reunions?

Hubby and I are attending an extended family reunion today. For me this is a good thing, for hubby this is a lesson in endurance. He really dislikes large groups of people and worse yet, this is a group that he is only related to by marriage to me, (it's many of my maternal 1st cousins).

He is so good to me. *wink*

how lovely...

During spring break one year... (March of 2002) Son1 went on a Young Men's camp out with the bishop of our ward and some other leaders... I was looking through those pictures a few days ago and really noticed for the first time, I think... these beautiful landscapes he snapped... These are raw photos, absolutely no touch up or fixing was done to them... The location is near Tucson, AZ. Most of the pictures show a group having a lot of fun and being "boys". But these photos are just so lovely... I thought I would share how truly beautiful our state is...

So many people miss that beauty...

Lord, I Would Follow Thee...

The words of the hymn are poignant. It is, I believe, hubby's favorite hymn. But even if it is not his "favorite" the words are special to him:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee—
Lord, I would follow thee.

Hymns, no. 220
Text:Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI
Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI

I wish I did better at this... I need to practice more...

right this minute, I miss...

"walking" up a beautiful multi-colored autumn canyon trail and twinkling my toes in a stream after hiking for hours...

hearing my mother sing (just a little off key) sitting next to me in church...

holding one of my kids on my lap and telling that same story that I thought I just could not tell one more time, without going crazy...

running my fingers over the veins that stood out on the back of daddy's hands...

sitting around a campfire and thinking that if I reached up I could actually touch the heavens...

brushing the hair away from a feverish brow and praying for relief for my sweet child.

making "crowns" out of the dandelions that plagued many a lawn from the time I was old enough to braid...

watching that "just finished nursing" face of a baby... right before you know you better get them in their bed or they will wake up and your nap won't happen...

sitting in a hot bubble bath while reading a book I waited for weeks to come out....

feeling the wind race over my face as I sit on the porch just before a big storm hits...

listening to the excited voices of a dozen teenagers while playing a noisy game of "speed"...

and oddly enough, I even miss... figuring out where the "one" error is on a 350 page spreadsheet full of macros and corporate data that 10 other people did not find...

politics...

My "early-absentee" ballot was in the mail a couple days ago... I won't talk about how I voted except to say that I am a huge defender of marriage... traditional family.. and living within your means! I pray that all the different state propositions to uphold marriage and family in this nation win. Personally I believe that some of the Washington "Supercilious Crowd" who thought they were untouchable are on their way OUT, if my vote is an indication... AND if you ask me... which of course you didn't... this has been ONE of the worst, ONE of the ugliest, and ONE of the most frustrating elections I have seen in 33 years of casting my personal vote! Now this next part just has to be said (I have said it before in other places... but not here...) and then I promise I won't mention it again...

I am SICK and TIRED of this election year... this election year has actually gone on for two years, not one... and has been SO frustrating to me personally as I have tried to form enlightened opinions... the rhetoric from both major political parties and even "independent" sources has outreached anything coming close to reasonable... News has not come close to being unbiased on any subject... and frankly I am SICK of that too... even the people and propositions I supported in the end often stooped to hyperbole that was beyond anything helpful or reasonable. NOT a good way to win MY support!!!

I also want to say that I'm strictly a NO guns in my home type girl... That said, I think a good wallop upside the head with a big old cast iron frying pan to get the attention of all those "asleep at the wheel" types... is in order... (including to the many that seem determined to ignore "we the voters"...) Hopefully my vote helped to send just such a wallop to the ones that my vote had no direct effect on.

End comment... no need to mention probably that I am DONE listening to this campaign!

do you have any idea how silly you sound...???

Late yesterday evening I was reading some online articles and this thought [the title of my post]... kept running through my mind... Many of the things the writers are saying in completely legitimate news sources are just plan silly... not because of the topics... but because it seems that little thought is being put into the writing... it's like everyone is just writing now, thinking later...??? It's becomes this CACOPHONY of expression that has a minuscule effect... on me at least... I wander away from the "news" thinking... does he/she really think that? Do they realize how over the top silly that sounds? Are news people determine to just spout each other's journalism bias without even changing the thought a little?

Normally I like to read what a lot of different people are saying... and I find myself learning much... I often have an opinion... and hubby and I talk a lot about our thoughts and ideas... Many of the things I have read for the last 10 years on the internet have been good sources of "topics for discussion" between us... but lately good topics are getting hard to find... we both start laughing about the truly bizarre opinions we are reading, that are being touted as "news", and about all we can say are things like... Did I really read that??? What??? Seriously??? Are they kidding???

At least for me I guess it's fortunate that one of the most interesting things I have noticed is that I figure out pretty quickly that an article is going to make me feel this way early on, and I simply quit reading, thereby limiting the times that I get completely abused by this journalistic bias I see so much of... I wonder how many other people are doing that too? News has really changed...

make it simple...

needs over wants
family over things
love over desire
strength over weakness
determination over despondence
charity over greed
faith over fear

dating... [our style]

Hubby is such a GREAT sport...

Last night and tonight he is off... so yesterday after a good long nap for him during the morning and early afternoon... we watched a couple movies and ate snack-y leftovers stuff... enjoyed the chance to actually sleep at the same time... and then this morning we went to the store (I ran out of energy about half way through and he had to practically carry me home... ugh!) We got a Costco pizza for lunch, rested... both took a break to do some email (actually he's been reading to me from his computer about all the stupid decisions that congress has made over the last 10 years... when Pres Hinckley was telling US to get out of debt and live within our means, and we have been doing that... I am writing this...) now we are going to watch another movie this afternoon while we both probably fall asleep... [wink]

Even before our mid week date began he brought me some beautiful red roses the other day when I was feeling so blue without having talked to me that morning... and a card that made me cry it was so perfectly wonderful... So often life feels so completely lopsided to me... Hubby keeps saying that he is happy and enjoys our time together, no matter what my limitations are... and you know... he is such great date... I am so very blessed... and today despite some energy issues (in that I have none...) I am completely and totally happy... he says he is happy... I caulk all this happiness up to trying to our best to be in love and work together... I am convinced that marriages can't fail when you are BOTH working hard, no matter how ugly things might be within the peripheral areas of a relationship.

Okay, back to our date... I wonder if hubby would be interested in popcorn for dinner...???

...just get UP already!

There are times that I wonder... how did I work all those years... how did I make my body perform day after day... week after week... month after month...???

The last few weeks have been so bad for me, physically... I know I will pull out eventually, but I feel weak and vulnerable today. My brain feels tired from the struggle of crawling out of bed in pain and not getting the relief I need from the pain medication available to me, days have turned into weeks...

I have decided that today will be a "mental health day". One of those days that I sometimes needed to take while I was working...

Let's see... where is my Cary Grant DVD selection..................???

the words of a prophet...

For my personal study over the last 9+ months or so (since before Pres Hinckley passed away) I have been re-reading every conference address he made as a Prophet... I started to try and and read all his articles since becoming an apostle but that would take way more months... he's written and spoken VERY prolifically... anyway, one thing I noticed very quickly, starting in 1995 when he was first sustained is that his message is always one of optimism while encouraging us to do better... He and Pres. Monson have a lot in common that way... However, I didn't need to RE-READ Pres Hinckley words to remember that I have personal experience with his address from Oct 2003... 5 years ago today...

Let me give you a little background... That was a VERY difficult time for our family. Son1 was a senior in high school that fall... He turned 18 that Oct and for his birthday the only thing he wanted was to actually sit in the Conference Center, which we had never done to that point... So our family splurged and went to October General Conference. It seemed at the time a frivolous thing to do... but we pooled our resources and we stayed with friends... I am so glad we did it... for that year General Conference answered many questions... We listened to the Saturday morning session and something Pres Hinckley said in his opening Conference address about the state of the church... nearly burn a hole through my heart!

It was said that at one time the sun never set on the British Empire. That empire has now been diminished. But it is true that the sun never sets on this work of the Lord as it is touching the lives of people across the earth.

And this is only the beginning. We have scarcely scratched the surface. We are engaged in a work for the souls of men and women everywhere. Our work knows no boundaries. Under the providence of the Lord it will continue. Those nations now closed to us will someday be open. That is my faith. That is my belief. That is my testimony.

The little stone which was cut out of the mountain without hands is rolling forth to fill the earth (see Dan. 2:31–45; D&C 65:2).

To the Latter-day Saints everywhere, as we gather in this great conference I say, may God bless you. Keep the faith; be true to your covenants. Walk in the light of the gospel. Build the kingdom of God in the earth.

The Church is in wonderful condition and can and will improve. It will grow and strengthen.

We are ordinary people who are engaged in an extraordinary undertaking. We are men who hold the priesthood of the living God. Those who have gone before have accomplished wonders. It is our opportunity and our challenge to continue in this great undertaking, the future of which we can scarcely imagine.

Thank you, my brothers and sisters, for your faith and faithfulness. Thank you for the love you carry for this, the work of the Almighty. We live in the world. We work in the world. But we must rise above the world as we pursue the work of the Lord and seek to build His kingdom in the earth. Let us now join together in a great world conference of men and women who are indeed brothers and sisters as children of God.

During the next two days we shall hear from many of our number, not one of whom has been told what to speak about, but each one of whom has pleaded with the Lord to be able to say something that will help, inspire, and lift all who hear.

May the blessings of heaven attend you. May you be faithful and true to the great and glorious cause which you have embraced is my humble prayer, in the name of our Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

It was as though I had answers to questions that had always plagued me... My mind was FILLED with answers though much of the conference... I wondered how I could possibly tell hubby all the things I suddenly understood as I listened to speaker after speaker... because I didn't even know how I could gain so much insight in a such a short period of time... but later as we discussed this talk in particular I knew HE was getting answers too... After several sacred and deeply personal spiritual experiences during that conference... I never once doubted that if we as a family always went to the Lord with our concerns He would guide us. Life did not suddenly turn around... there were still a lot of hard choices and difficult days ahead... but we made it through that hard time and I can see now how the Lord was guiding us, even when I couldn't see the front of the ship... He could... Now I always remember that He can see the part of my path I can't... I am here to tell you that we who profess to be followers of the Savior do not walk alone unless we choose to...

During the Sunday morning session I was filled with wonder and amazed at the messages of hope and answers to prayers that came to me... Each answer was burned into my soul with a fire of conviction, and increased my desire to be more optimistic and to do better in more areas ever day... I haven't had any really long term discouraging periods in my life since that Conference that we made so many sacrifices to attend. Discouragement quickly gives way to a desire to find hope and answers through the words of the prophet and I start reading/studying again and sure enough I find those answers...

At the end that same Conference... we were watching by television again as Pres Hinckley concluded the Conference with these words:

Pray for wisdom and understanding as you walk the difficult paths of your lives. If you are determined to do foolish and imprudent things, I think the Lord will not prevent you. But if you seek His wisdom and follow the counsel of the impressions that come to you, I am confident that you will be blessed.

Let us be a prayerful people. Let us bring up our children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Enos 1:1). May the blessings of heaven deservedly rest upon you. In the words of Deuteronomy, “And now, Israel, what doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul” (Deut. 10:12). Be assured, my dear brothers and sisters, that “He, watching over Israel, slumbers not, nor sleeps” (Felix Mendelssohn, Elijah).

For the blessings of heaven to rest upon you I humbly pray as I express to you my love for each of you. Thank you for your great kindness to me and your great faithfulness and energy in moving forward the work of the Almighty, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

The next spring Sister Hinckley would pass away... yet he never got morose or pessimistic... Pres Hinckley was an amazing teacher... mostly because he taught us how to love and how to serve and how to have faith, by example... additionally if I ever have fears, I only need to read one of his talks to feel immediately better...

Today, exactly 5 years later from when so many of my questions were answered at a difficult time in life... I am again looking for many answers... and with my family spread out to many parts of the state I am listening to (for a second day) the words of a Prophet of God on this glorious October morning... I have been and will continue to listen carefully so that I gain the insights that the Lord has for me... I wouldn't want to miss an important message like: "Do as much as you can do... then have FAITH...! Things will work out." That was very often Pres Hinckley's theme... and I need all the working mottos I can get.