we are maintaining...

but that is about it... Between the anemia (which is better than it was, and improving slowly again...) along with the other "regular" issues of my disease I struggle every day, just to get through the basics. Hubby is doing well physically and will be more than ready for rehab when the time comes, probably another 3-4 weeks on that though. He was in amazing health before the accident (considering he is not a young spring rooster any more...) and is becoming very proficient at taking care of some of his needs without much help at all... With Son2's help we even made it to most of church yesterday, and that really was a lift he appreciated.

A few friends have expressed concern that I try so hard to stay "upbeat"... The truth is that my desire to keep private most of my personal struggles is selfish... for instance... right now I don't even share many of the details I face with small groups, in private... because frankly the energy that is required in order to accurately share is too high... and I simply don't have the energy reserves to do that. It is easier to just be quiet... There are people that know the day to day struggle... Our children... visiting teachers... home teachers... the Bishop... and a few very close family members... we are not living in a vacuum, but I have to be very careful to reserve energy, and many who want to help end up causing more energy drains for me... just in trying to reassure them. I know that sounds ungrateful, but it is a truism.

The second reason I work so hard at staying upbeat is that after long years of dealing with a debilitating disease I have learned that the opposite is a recipe for disaster, at least for me. I have not dealt with depression in years, not since I started to refuse to wallow in fear and self-pity. Perhaps that is a simplistic view... but it works for me. I stay as busy as I can doing non-energy draining things most of the time... And, I carefully pace myself through the day... That is what it takes to stay fairly independent... I gave up guilt about all the things I can't do, a long time ago... and I stubbornly hang on to what I CAN still do... until a new challenge has to be faced.

I admit, this new challenge of ours has been a hard one, but it is not insurmountable... it is a tall mountain we must climb and we are getting lots of help climbing it... but WE have to actually climb it... we cannot allow others to climb it for us, and part of that climb is staying positive about one very important fact... Heaven Father knows what we are able to bear... He is in charge and will give us the strength we need... we lean on Him, and He encourages us to stay positive. He also reminds me daily that He can turn this into something that is for our good... I hang on to that, though I know that I may not see the result in this life.

Sure everyone hits lows now and then, and I have had blue moments and discouraging hours... but not days... I find that answers are generally right around the corner when the blues happen for me... I do not fear the corners... even though sometimes I don't understand all the detours we have to take.

Not sure this makes any sense, at all... But I do thank all my friends and family for concern and prayers. For the many acts of kindness and for the service to our family at this difficult time. This post is an effort to relieve the minds and hearts of those that worry for us... We are being held in the Lord's palm... and are content to let Him lead right now...